my journal: various subjects, opinionating, CW at times
The title explains itself.
If you're interested in the ramblings of a middle-aged man with chronic conditions who, at times, sees things a little too clearly for his own good, then read on.
Sometimes I get political, but it won't be all the time.
I don't mind comments in general but if you're going to differ with what I write, that's fine--as long as you can explain your position clearly & reasonably. Rants, shouting & general incoherence will be ignored or flagged, depending on the situation. Try to remember that not everyone else in this world holds your beliefs.
Every so often I may post art or snapshots of projects I'm working on.
If you're still interested after reading all the above, great. (I do wonder at how much time you have on your hands, though)
As I see it, when the sun comes up I will have two options:
- Haul the carboys (10 gal. H2O!) to my storage unit, & pull stuff out of it until there's room to put 'em in. Then fit everything back in there in as organized a way as possible. I should probably pull out the generator at this point... could use it for a few things. If my body doesn't permit this,
- Stay in my truck, roll the windows down, crack one of the doors & cook the germs out of my sinuses again.
...either way, Sunday will probably be a b***h.
@slowdecline48 That sounds like a seriously demanding sunday either way ..... I hope your body gives you the strength for Option 1 but if not Option 2 is absolutely valid too. Rest and recovery are just as productive when your energy’s running low. Be gentle with yourself and if you do tackle the storage unit mission....I hope it goes as smoothly (and as organized) as possible. Sending strength and sinus-clearing vibes your way! 💪🌞
People who tell you it's bad to grow old alone because no one will be there to take care of you are operating on an assumption: that their spouse will stick around to the very end... Or that their spouse will still have his/her s*** together even if they themselves fall prey to senile dementia.
The same goes for people with children, & are glad they have them.
@slowdecline48 That’s soooo true — I completely agree. I’d just add that the people who get married out of fear of being alone or who become parents just so their kids will take care of them when they’re old... often end up being the most harmful kinds of partners and parents. They don’t want you out of love — they want you out of necessity. They’ll pull you into their self serving narratives to preserve their own sense of importance and control. And the moment your “purpose” in their story feels threatened, they won’t hesitate to turn that threat back on you.
Marry for love. Have children because you genuinely want to raise and love them — not because you’re scared of loneliness or want someone to owe you care or carry on a legacy. At the end of the day.... you are your own responsibility.
Today so far: Pulled some of my stuff out of the storage unit, organized it, put one filled carboy inside & emptied the other one into the water dispenser I bought a couple months ago. I put the dispenser on top of a stack of milk crates, so it's at a convenient height...Also hauled out the generator. And my cordless power tools, batteries & charger. Will probably need those before too long.
I should drive back to my land & commence to building the shelter now, but I have a headache. Again. Also had to 💩 very badly for most of my time at the storage unit. Held it until I got to the usual gas station/convenience store....welcome to the chronic life, where going to the bathroom can be an adventure! 😒
So I'm parked by the gas station, windows down, waiting for my body to calm down. The station is something of a construction zone right now, just for spice...
It's supposed to rain this week. Good thing I got the cover for the genny.
*carboy = 5- or 6-gal. glass bottle. A basic tool for homebrewing & home winemaking. They're also terrific for potable water storage. Look up "carboy" on Amaz0n & you'll see some examples.
It's not every day that my dreams involve ingesting some kind of psychogenic drug...that was interesting...
(Or having Spider-Man-type powers. That was the previous one)
On top of that, I woke up dizzy & need to lie down.
@slowdecline48 Lie down for a moment then... It will pass.. Or have coffee? (Could be low blood sugar levels)
@azurePond It was one of the symptoms of my main chronic illness...I've had vertigo a great many times.
@azurePond - Today it rained here this afternoon, which makes sense. I usually have a flareup in advance of rain.
@slowdecline48 Oh I see .... barometric pressure shifts are known to trigger symptoms in certain chronic conditions... so it lines up. Dizziness in the mornings must be tough to manage. Have you found anything that helps you get through those flareups or is it more about riding them out?
Riding it out...that's all I can do.
@slowdecline48 How are you feeling now? Was that a manageable wave to ride out?
@slowdecline48 You have cool dreams.. Why I do only dream of running or falling?!.. I would like some marvel themed dreams!
This time, the latter part involved going to a library & paging through old books. I tried to rent out a few...they weren't available for rental for some reason. There was background music this time, too. My dreams can be surreal...& sometimes terrifying.
@slowdecline48 I think it’s the physical exhaustion.... try calming yourself before bed—maybe some meditation could help.
It's impossible to meditate when you have tinnitus. Trust me on this one.
@slowdecline48 Oh no... Maybe reading a book before sleep could help. Relaxing before the sleep is the key!
Sometimes, when it comes to life...it seems like the juice isn't worth the squeeze.
@slowdecline48 Damn ain't that the truth 😕
I just paid the larger of the two medical bills off.
One of my accounts is crying now...& I want some wine.
@slowdecline48 Hey that's great but yeah I hear ya about the account crying. Medical bills are crazy high
So cue the joke - you want any cheese with that wine (whine) 😂
@mytwistedsoul Yes, I'll have some mozzarella...made from sheep's milk. It's perfect for the Pinot.
(Seriously, sheep's milk makes great cheese...it ain't kosher but God, is it good) 😆
@slowdecline48 I never knew this! I don't think I've ever seen sheep milk or cheese around here. Goats yeah but nothing from sheep. I'll have to take your word for it 😅 Tbh I'm not a wine drinker either 😬 I am unsophisticated 😂
@slowdecline48 I beg to differ—nothing beats mozzarella made from buffalo milk 😏
@azurePond Are you serious? I didn't know there was such a thing...
@slowdecline48 What? U havent ? I thought all mozzarella and buratta were made from buffallo milk 😭
@azurePond
@slowdecline48 I had a moment where I realized I was completely out of touch with the reality and cheese making. I always thought mozzarella was defined by buffalo milk (a dumb assumption to make just because we use buffalo milk mozzarella 🤦♀️)—but actually... it can be made from cow’s, goat's or even sheep's milk...Sheep!... What truly defines mozzarella isnt the animal it comes from but the method used to make it—the pasta filata (or spun paste) technique... where the curds are stretched and kneaded in hot water (Every day you learn something new… maybe you already knew this but it’s new info for me)
@slowdecline48 I thought you were kidding about the sheep cheese
I wasn't. When I lived closer to Jax, I occasionally went to a boutique cheese place in one of the quasi-touristy-cool districts. Some of its merch is cheeses made by local farmers...once they had mozz made from sheep's milk...it was amazing.
Most cheeses are made from cow's milk these days...at least the products you find in supermarkets. Except for Velveeta & similar stuff, which I firmly believe is synthesized in a laboratory somewhere...it might be good for plugging a hole in your car's radiator, but I wouldn't eat it unless it was a matter of life & death.
@slowdecline48
That sounds like a seriously good find—sheep’s milk mozzarella? Now I have to try it. And yes... Velveeta absolutely feels like it skipped the whole “dairy” phase and went straight to “experimental polymer.” I wouldn’t eat it...even if it were a matter of life and death (And I’ve eaten yak cheese… once.... so if I say I won’t eat Velveeta... I definitely won’t eat Velveeta)
You know... cheeses like authentic parmigiano or mozzarella have labels like DOP or PDO...those are the real deal.
As of a few minutes ago. The gas station I normally go to has been having something installed under the pavement for about two weeks now...finally I managed to get the attention of one of the construction crew. I asked him what they were gonna do with the rubble; he said they will have a dumpster brought in for it in a week from now...also "take as much as you want".
Considering how my property may well need some infill at some point, at least to get the house foundation above flood zone level...why not?
This isn't all I'm getting, either.
@slowdecline48 Hey that's great! Definitely smart thinking!
This morning:
- woke up with splitting headache
- remembered the emergency room trip revealed severe sinus congestion
- blew nose a few times, made a phone call to gather info on medical stuff--fruitless
- someone calls me back from the hospital I went to in March (emergency--chest pain); tells me about bill & website info
- by this time head hurts terribly...drank water, rest of "vitamin water" drink from yesterday; lie down
- wake up at 1145 hrs.--don't recall going to sleep. Headache mostly gone; truck explosively hot inside
It's nice when a problem ameliorates itself...but still: the chronic life sucks.
...If I'm feeling up to it later this afternoon, I could scav some more rubble... 🤔
--unless of course it starts raining hard.
Florida. Christ in a f***ing tutu.
So a few minutes agoI finished unloading the rubble I scavved from the gas station. That plus the last load is about one truckload in total. (I would've grabbed more but the pile has a few big pieces in it, too heavy for one man to move. I could only pick at it & excavate little holes in the pile) Am sitting in the driver's seat, shirtless & sweating like a hog.
I will drive back there, maybe buy something & use the bathroom to wash up...as soon as my brain stops whirling on its axis. It's about 11 at night now...
For some reason, the bugs aren't bothering me. They're not approaching me at all. ❓
[cw: adult language]
Was up all night. Why did there have to be a sleepless night right after I busted my *** loading & unloading chunks of concrete?...Christ in a f.ucking hot dog bun. 🤦🏼♂️
Maybe I can sleep today despite the heat...maybe it will rain. I hope so. Strangest of all, in the midst of all this I'm feeling two faint urges:
- To build another cane... something suitably Floridian.
- To go out & bang some hot chicks.
...Guess my male midlife crisis is not yet done. 😂
Edit: Finally fell asleep for a bit this morning...now I'm starting to feel my labors from last night. Urrrgghh 😵💫
....I believe it will rain again soon.
[cw: political talk, brief digression]
Is it possible to develop an addiction to fear & panic?
...because it seems like that's the case with some people on Bluesky.*
If it is somehow possible to get hooked on your own obsessive dread, & express it through catastrophizing about your pet political issues, then Bsky has a population of addicts within its user base. You cannot have a conversation with them where any of their beliefs are questioned. Seriously.
Though I've never been on there myself, I would assume X/Twatter has a similar subpopulation within its user base...the difference being the ideology they follow & the issues they obsess over. These days Twatter is known for having more conservative & right-leaning people on its platform, while most of the liberal & woke/left characters decamped for Bluesky after Musk took over Twatter & started messing with it. Thus they can maintain & reinforce their online pol-tribal alignment & their own ideological purity.
If you dislike Trump, fine. I'd probably agree with that...personally I think he's an a**hole. But claiming the US is sliding into a fascist nightmare because of him & his administration is just...*smh* The United States is not Weimar-era Germany, let alone N*zi Germany. We're too into consumerism & making money to be loyal cogs in a totalitarian state bent on world domination. I do find President Cheeto cause for concern, but what it looks more like to me is that America is starting to resemble a "banana republic"...a second-tier nation at best. We will probably lose our status as a great power & become a strictly regional one, like Russia or the EU...unless of course our decline goes harder than I imagine.
*For those of you who don't know, Bluesky is a platform similar to X/Twatter in structure except that it doesn't have a controlling algorithm. A Bluesky user has considerably more control over his/her feed & what (s)he chooses to see. I have an account there. No, I will not post a link...I like to keep my life compartmented. It's just a place for me to post art & updates on my land.
I'm not the type to have a celebrity crush... but if I did, it would be on Amy Adams in her prime.