tw/ sa trauma
i’ve begun another relationship, we’ve been dating for three months, but it still itches at the back of my neck at times. that feeling of bugs crawling under your skin. i can’t help but wonder if there’s some part of me that’s broken, in need of system maintenance, or if maybe this is how i’ve always been.
i want to heal, i want to so badly, but it’s like there’s a part of me that turned this trauma into its own separate entity. it sits next to me, sometimes i don’t notice that it’s there, other times, it’s presence is so overbearing.
i’m not sure how i’m supposed to be in a relationship like this, but i know that if i talked to him about it, he would be so understanding. we’d been friends for a long time before we started dating, i know he’s such a nice guy but… i just can’t.
im almost jealous of the s/a stories where person A tells person B their story and it’s such an emotional moment, i wish i could have that. unfortunately, every time i’ve wanted to bring it up with someone, i have to ask myself “which one?”, “which person?”.
it’s complicated, i’m jealous of how they make it look in tv shows and movies. in reality, it’s incredibly rough at the edges and it’s never as simple. i don’t know how i’m supposed to heal from this.
i’ve ignored it for so long, but that also means that i’ve been letting it affect me for as long and it’s draining. not just for me, but the people around me. i am riddled with depression constantly because deep down, i can feel this feeling sinking it’s claws deep into my core. it’s never going to go away, it’s never going to leave me. will i never be able to fully accept it?
even after all this time, i still can’t truly believed that it happened to me, so i don’t feel it until i do, that’s when it hurts the most. anyways, i just want to make my incredibly amazing boyfriend happy, but i’m struggling to do it right now because i’m struggling. why is life so complicated?
@ffruitcup I'm sorry for what you're going through. SA is really hard to deal with. It's not something that you can just forget about and unfortunately it doesn't seem to just go away either. It changes you in more ways than one and it affects everything. There are times that you can tuck it away and bury it underneath all sorts of things but it finds ways of making it's presence known. Talking about it and working through it is one of the best ways to heal. A good therapist that's trauma based is an excellent option if you're unsure of who to talk with. They can also help with the depression. Of course there's no pressure and you have to do what's best for you. There are listeners here that are willing to talk about these things too or you can reach out to members of the Trauma community. It has been slow there though and I think that many people may be on break at the moment.
Life is very complicated isn't it? But it can get better. I wish you the best on your healing journey!