waffle town
welcome to waffle town where we never smile.
feel free to comment. no you don't have to read the whole thing of course. i know i write a lot, maybe too much.
(yes i made a new thread. the old one was making me uncomfortable)
Song lyric of the day:
Get a load of this monster
He doesn't know how to communicate
His mind is in a different place
Will everybody please give him a little bit of space
Get a load of this train-wreck
His hair's a mess and he doesn't know who he is yet
favorite song of the day:
Faust- Gorillaz
today i made some progress by talking to some new people, which my anxiety usually gets in the way of. but i was really unproductive, i did no homework and i wasted the day. my room is getting messier and messier like me. there is an ever growing pile of clothes and i haven't done laundry in too long but i don't have the energy. i guess the only things i have energy for are 7 cups and low effort video games and eating.
it's currently 2 am and i wish i could just let myself sleep. i guess i'm afraid of starting another day and i'd rather just pause. if i fall asleep then the next thing is waking up and i don't want to do that. i know that doesn't make sense. tomorrow will be worse if i don't sleep, but in my mind it will come later and the farther away the better. i wish i could slow everything down.
also it was a really bad day for dysphoria. it's always constant at school but today was just worse. i wore my binder for 12 hours because of it and now my back and chest hurt. once i get home from school i usually have a mini temporary euphoria boost which is nice until i realize i don't pass as well as i think i do. somewhat unrelated but i have to pick a new name but i'm having trouble with that.
and i had some anxiety in chem today. more fidgety than usual and i'm always super fidgety in that class.
self-reminder: drink water. also paint your nails tomorrow
that's all for today folks. if you do reply you can refer to me as waffles, he/him. sorry if sentences are scrambled or something doesn't make sense i'm sleep deprived
aaaand we're back. feeling better today :)
by the way i'm trying the name elliot for now. i really like it and i just might stick with it. also comments are appreciated!
song lyric of the day:
I'm useless, but not for long
The future is coming on
(yeah it's short today)
song of the day:
Homesick- Cavetown (this song is really pretty i recommend it)
i made some friends today! both on cups and at school. so that's a pretty big step for me. i'm getting more and more comfortable being social. also taking better care of myself, i went on a walk today and drank a lot of water :) overall feeling pretty good. the main thing stopping me is dysphoria rn. but i've found some good ways to distract myself- i've been playing new horizons more and it's nice because i finally set my character as a boy and i can make it look exactly how i want. too bad the name is stuck. but most of my villagers call me by nicknames anyways.
the things i do because of dysphoria smh. i literally sat directly in the sun at lunch in school with black jeans and a hoodie on not to mention a shirt and binder under that. -1000/10, do not attempt. i could feel the sun burning into my neck. also binder sweat :( oh yeah and i wore my binder for 11 hours today... better than yesterday's 12 i guess xD
other than that not much is going on. i'm overall feeling a little more hopeful, and i smiled and laughed today more than usual. here are my current goals: learn homesick on guitar, finish textbook notes for euro, go a day without binding, and create something that takes time like a drawing or some bread or something. :)
waffle town day 3 :D
song lyrics of the day:
Don't let me hear what they say
'Cause I can't stand it everyday
I'm thinking that I should leave now
And I don't think I'm coming back this time
'Cause now I don't remember comfort
Because what I am is what I'm not
This phantom skin it's weird to live in
So find me a way out if you love me at all
favorite song of the day:
New Flesh- Current Joys
i didn't get any hw done today but i did do my laundry which i've putting off for a while so my room is a lot less messy. i've only been binding for 5 hours today and i'm gonna shower soon so that will be it. i was aiming for a day off since you're supposed to take a 2 days off every week i think. not much else happened today... i played ukulele for a while and learned a song. literally all i know is cavetown songs xD
actually feeling really euphoric rn. i'm binding and packing and my hair is floofy and i finally painted my nails :D they are black. anyways that's all for now i don't feel like saying much. *hugs anyone reading*
@faron f- wrong account ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
@blueberrywaffles just um ignore that please sajehfksdfgykdshjfgydjh *hides*
waffle town day.. 4
song lyric of the day:
I never felt it when I was young
I never knew where it came from
Now I feel it like a hurricane
And it's so hard to stop the rain
favorite song of the day:
Homesick- Cavetown again : D
loads of dysphoria today. i forced myself to take a day off binding, which is good i guess. between that and not packing, wearing shorts, my voice, and having really flat hair...bad day for dysphoria. oh and my hands. that's new. they're really feminine and i've even been told this by my family as a compliment- my grandma says it a lot. felt so miserable all day, and hopeless because i'll have to live in this body forever. just keep swimming, just keep swimming... anyways getting like 2 hours of sleep (7-9 am) last night, er this morning, probably didn't help either. i really don't want to have to wake up again tomorrow but i don't want to stay up all night again.
i hate feeling this exhausted ahhh. my every movement was so slow today. i played a lot of animal crossing to escape and cope with dysphoria, also watched mulan for the same reason. i haven't even seen mulan before from start to finish and i love it so much. made me smile. the only other thing that has made me smile lately is a particular listener and friend here who's been helping me make progress.
i'll make a man out of you! : D *whispers* please do
i played a lot of uke today but it sucks because singing. i use ukutabs because i'm basic and i have to transpose it to get it so that it's low enough so i don't get dysphoria, but i can sing it without vocal fry. sometimes that doesn't work and i get really frustrated, sometimes it does work but the chords are a nightmare. sometimes it's fine. i wish it could always be fine.
what else... well something really upsetting happened. i had another conversation with my mom about trans people...it's easier to show than explain:
me: [something about cavetown]
mom: is he trans?
me: ._. yeah
mom: see, i'm a huge feminist and honestly, i don't mean offense or anything, but i just don't understand why any woman would want to become a man! we have enough penises in the world already (yes she really said this). honestly women are so much better why would someone want to become a man
me: no mom...i... it's not becoming a man... trans men are men
mom: sure but like why can't they just be a masculine woman? what's wrong with that? women are awesome. and it is becoming a man, like if you get the surgery you're changing to a male body, i just don't get why anyone would want that
me: *speechless*
me: *runs to sprouts bathroom and cries a little because i'm pathetic and i can't get words out to prove her wrong*
me: *watches jammidodger afterwards so i have good comebacks next time*
@blueberrywaffles it was so long i couldn't fit it all. here's the rest
so yeah my mom is officially a terf -_-
i know i should try to explain to her. she clearly just doesn't understand what it means to be trans and needs to learn. but i don't want to explain. it's not my job to make her care or to teach her, that's on her. i'm just a trans boy who needs some sleep and validation, my mom is an adult who can decide on her own time if she's gonna educate herself or continue to be an ignorant piece of...waffle.
to end on a high note (yes i know it's really long today but there's more) i ate some thai food! for context even though literally no one reads these, i have a lotttt of anxiety around specific foods due to my anaphylaxis. thai food uses cashews and other foods that i can die from so it makes me really anxious, just one mistake in the kitchen and bad timing could kill me. so when my parents get thai i usually either don't eat or i eat a little and panic really bad. i ate the whole thing!
just remembered that episode of... i wanna say goosebumps or twilight zone, i don't think goosebumps is a show though and it wasn't twilight zone so what's that old black and white show that's supposed to be scary? hm i'll try to find it. there was this episode i watched with my cousin, oh that was so fun staying up late with her when she babysat me as a kid, watching scary stuff... in the episode there was this camp and there was a weird doglike monstery thing i don't remember and kids going missing or dying and stuff and the whole thing turned out to be a prank on this one kid. it was really weird but i loved it. my memories of watching those things with her are so dreamlike. wow i'm remembering a bunch of them now, one of them had this kid eating a bunch of worms i think, one was also at a camp and there was this girl in a giant spiderweb idk man. now i need to find out what this show is.
@blueberrywaffles not too long. just had to change the wording
not feeling up to a full entry rn. currently texting with a trevor counselor and wow i'm anxious it always makes me so anxious to text lines like these because they're adults and ahhh so here's some random things, i need to do something with my hands:
"this is me, cutting an onion" *zooms in on framed picture of murdoc, cutting an onion*
uh thoughts thoughts come on think of sommething
"come along now, bort" "me?" "no, my son's name is also bort"
murdoc loves himself, which is good because no one else does
trans peter parker trans peter parker trans peter parker
beware....for it will ~scare~ *spooky piano*
(why so much murdoc? i'm not even a gorillaz fan but my sister puts this stuff in my head i guess)
okay now i want to write. i talked with them and it was cool and all but something's missing... maybe i should call a suicide hotline or something idk
i want to di.e and be a ghost. a spooky ghost boy :D but also yes i did just say i want to di.e. this is a call for help...but also i would make a cute ghost boy right
yes, yes i would. elliot the friendly neighborhood ghost boy. aw i like that
...elliot, the kid who killed himself.
or more likely... [deadname], the girl who killed herself
no... i don't know... can i just have a watch that turns me invisible like that one book i read, i don't remember the name but it was awesome. can i be a ghost without the dead part? not alive, but also not dead? missing. disappeared. but i don't want to be looked for. pause time? pause time and take a train to wherever and steal some stuff and go back home and unpause. or stay in the pause forever. i want to be like the suicide people in um what's it called webtoon. the world where i belong? i think. yeah the suicide guardian people.. i'd basically be a ghost, but with a purpose. that's nice.
@blueberrywaffles oh also to track my progress, i wore my binder for over 12 hours today.
not doing good. i want to get hit by a car.
lyrics of the day:
doctor, i'm not doing too well
if this shit was a choice, i wouldn't need your help
i see the world through the eyes of a dog but i can't see yellow
forums are acting up so i'll shut up here i guess
forums still acting up so i'll keep it short. i challenged my anxiety a lot today. made a friend, ate with people at lunch, confronted someone... also started having tics. yay. what else...nothing idk i wore my binder for like 12 hrs again ;-;
fckkkk i just realized people might read this
anxietea and depresso coming right up
😐
ok why aren't people allowed to delete their own forum? hm. we should.. change that. yeah.
