whatever

@GreenAsparagus

I feel you buddy. I really do.. reading your diary... felt like I was reading own feeling... I was in the same situation as you were... same situation with a guy... same as the girl... in my case it was my bestie... fortunately we are doing good now...

I really do hope you find your answers... Good Luck!!

Hey, first of all thank you to you two that took time to read and reply, didn't expect it but it was a nice surprise.

@0820170719105

I wouldn't mind talking about it, just a bit afraid 'cause when it comes to talking with people I don't really know what to say ahah... but again, thank you.

@faithfulLand2395

It's always nice seeing that you're not alone in a certain situation, thank you for your message. I'm really glad that it seems to be better now for you !

Also I wanted to add that I took an appointment to see a therapist, again. It's been almost a year but it's a different one this time, I hope they won't rush it like the previous one did. Don't really know what to think about that. It always feels awkward, it's like I have nothing to say once I'm in that chair in front of them. I'm wondering if I'll have to go on medication again... Don't know what to think about that neither. I remember how annoying it was to stop taking antidepressants... but that's just maybe because I was not dealing with it properly. Very bad idea to stop them suddenly one day...at least now I'm know that yes, I do have to do what everyone tells me and stop progressively.
Truth is I didn't even stopped taking them because I was feeling better. But things were complicated at that time. So, I hope it'll go better this time.

Oh and things seem to be better with her. Still a bit weird but... it's not as bad. I think.
No evolution about him though, but who's surprised.

@GreenAsparagus

I can relate to what you're sharing of wanting to reach out and connect with people, but also feeling like maybe if you do you might be inconveniencing or burdening them or being selfish. Also relate to what you've said of wanting to erase your presence as soon as you start reaching out or expressing yourself--partly fears of bothering other people and partly fears of being rejected by other people.

Am hearing that too with what you're describing of "him". It sounds confusing to not know whether you're bothering him by reaching out, or if maybe he's in a situation where he feels lonely and is really comforted by you wanting to talk to him. And not being really sure what he's feeling in general.

I've definitely felt what you're describing of feeling "intimidated". Sort of like there's a person who's really important or special, and it feels like what they say/do matters a lot. And if something were to go wrong, I'd react more strongly than if I got into a conflict with someone I wasn't as close to--like a fear that something might go wrong or I might ruin that special connection and scare away that person.

@frigidstars27, thank you for relating to what I've written, it's always nice to see that we're not alone in a specific situation.


I haven't written here for some weeks now. Sorry, I was thinking about it but just didn't feel like doing it.
I've been to the therapist. Worst person ever. Will never concider going back, don't wanna ever try again.
But honestly, I'm pretty fine.
Is it weird to say that ? I've been feeling so low, I've been so deep down... and this terrible person put me in such a mood that I honestly hit the bottom. so hard that... I've managed to recover and to go back up to the surface.

Even for me it seems very weird to explain. But I don't know, something changed in my way of thinking. I feel like there has been a click. And maybe I'm saying this too early and that it'll not last, but as the title says, whatever.

That's all I wanted to say for now. Thank you to anyone reading this.

And here we go again.
I hate my life. I mean... my real life. Because, some people are wonderful, on the internet. But real life s*cks. I just wanna escape, go somewhere in a new city, maybe a new country, where no one knows me. But this just can't happen. I'm sick of waiting. Always have to wait for good things to happen. How much longer will I have to wait, is it even worth waiting...

Don't worry though, I'm not gonna do anything, just crying in front of my computer, that's the only thing I can do. Finally something I'm good at, such a shame that it's useless.

Hello friend, it's me again.

Came here to complain, of course.
As I don't do anything with my life right now, my sleep schedule is pretty messed up. And even though I can sleep a lot, because I have nothing else to do, well, last night I still had an awful night. Woke up feeling even more tired than before sleep, feels like I just had weird dreams all night long without time to actually rest. Kinda reminds me of the time where I was taking medication and it gave me those vivid dreams almost every night.

Anyway, I don't know if it's related to this bad night of sleep but I've been feeling so angry this evening. For no valuable reason. I have no idea why I get so angry sometimes. Heard that it can be a side effect of depression ? Maybe, idk.
Pretty much everything annoys me.
I just want to complain, but even complaining feels wrong.
Still gonna do it though. ahah.

Let's start with one of the friends I've mentionned before, the third one.
I don't know why, I just... don't want to talk to them. I just don't want any interaction. And I know this is mean, but it's just how I feel... I can't explain where that rejection comes from. And rejection s*cks so bad, I know so well how it feels.
So, of course, I'm trying to be nice to them, but it doesn't feel sincere and I hate myself for being like that.
I also feel like they steal my ideas sometimes. Like... for... characters. Yeah, we're on the same website that is basically... a roleplay forum. Ahah, for some reason I'm reluctant to say this, as if it was something shameful... well, at least it keeps you occupied when you have nothing to do, and your character(s) can do anything you write.
But I've discovered that, on another website, where I'm not registered, they used the same last name as my character. I know, probably not copying/stealing blablabla, this happens, but... it still bothers me. They also made a character that has multiple common points with mine (place of birth, studies...), and that also can happen, of course, not a big deal, but I keep thinking that they copied me, and that bothers me.
It's dumb.
I just feel like an hypocrite, why can't I appreciate people that appreciate me.

On the other hand, of course I still keep thinking about him. Also one of the friends mentionned in the very first message.
And he, of course, probably doesn't. We're not talking much, probably not even once a week. I tried to reach out recently, thought my message could lead to a conversation, but he only responded with one word. Even though we're bad at talking, I think that, if you really wanna talk to someone, you would somehow find a way to make the discussion going, at least ask a question, idk. I thought he would ask one actually. But of course, I'm always wrong when it comes to him. My expectations are always too high.
And I still think about him regularly, hope that he'll send me a message, ask me what's up, how I'm doing, anything. But it's not happening. And maybe he just doesn't wanna talk to me, so I don't know what to say. Don't want to send a message if he's not willing to at least try making conversation. It's too hard.

Finally, and also one of the friends I talked about in the first message, yeah, her.
Well she's cool. Talks to me pretty much every day. I feel like she's the only one that's always here. Even though sometimes she annoys me too, unfortunately, at least it's not a feeling that "lasts". I really sincerely appreciate her.
Now I'm reading again what I've wrote and it really sounds mean. I don't want to be mean. But it still feels like I am... I'm sorry.

I'm scared of the future. I'll have to start pretending that I'm a normal being again in september. Pretend that getting up, taking a shower, putting on clothes, taking public transportation isn't something horribly draining. Will not be able to stay up all night until 4 am as it is now.
I don't even know what I'm gonna study yet. I just know I'm not excited to go back to doing things again.
Time passes at an incredibly fast speed. Every single day is the same. I don't even know if I don't do anything because I don't have motivation or because I don't have time. Well, the first one probably, time is the same for everyone, but, yeah... it feels like that.
And I don't wanna do anything actually.
So that's how I spend my days. In front of my computer, not doing anything. But even that feels bad.

Doing things feels bad. Not doing things feels bad.
Life's funny, isn't it.


well, gotta sleep now
hope i don't regret posting this message on the internet
i get paranoid sometimes

Hi, if anyone even comes across this.

Just needed to write this down because maybe it's gonna make me feel better, somehow... I don't even know.
I kinda feel like everyone hates me lol... like, I'm just not a loveable human being. (don't know if this expresses my feelings right, sorry, english isn't my first language)

Basically these last few days, or week, there's someone that has been sending me messages daily. I don't know if I could call them a friend, as I feel that I don't know them for long enough. (we only know each other on the internet btw)
But... this has been so draining omg... I've almost never felt something like this before. They're kind but soooooo annoying... And I feel like a bad person for saying this because hey at least someone's messaging me, shouldn't I be happy ? but like... getting messages all day long... everytime they do something, they would send me a message and/or pictures...it's really pointless conversations...and like... I don't even know what to answer to that ??? and I was really getting tired of it but like... there's litteraly no good way of saying to someone "hey you're super annoying, please stop messaging me, but also don't do it in a way that you never want to message me again". so like... I began giving super short answers because... I don't even know what to answer anymore ??? to be very honest, I don't care ??? why do some people feel the need to go that deep into uninteresting things ??? but yeah, I don't wanna be mean either of course, I don't want anyone to feel bad because of me. but I still think they got offended because they didn't send me anymore message since my very short answer after they sent me a dozen of messages (litteraly).

And to be honest... it's such a relief. when they were talking to me all day long I felt like they were absorbing all my time and all my energy. I couldn't focus on anything else because every ten minutes I would get an useless update of them.
But now... it feels weird to not get a message from them lol. And like, not in the sense that I miss it, oh hell no, as I said, it's a relief. but in the sense that I feel like they're offended ? I feel like they're giving me the silent treatment because I didn't behave nicely ? And because of that, my mind still can't be at peace. I really believe that they see me as an assh*le.
and I wish I could not care, but the problem is, I do care very much about what people think of me. and especially because recently I had an unpleasing conversation/argument with another acquaintance, and since then, even if the conversation ended up "nicely", I still believe they don't like me. so yeah, this is all adding up and I don't feel good at all. feels like I just don't know how to talk to people and I end up being the worst person. kinda want that all these people forget me like I never existed but too late so now I'm just playing de*d, hiding with my insecurities.

Thank you for reading this message. Hopefully you're having a better day that me.

sometimes I just feel like I'm made of 50% anger and 50% sadness

I really feel like nobody cares. I can stay in front of that screen all day long without one single person messaging me, just being curious about how I am doing, how I feel. Truth is, even though I love my loneliness so much, I also do want some company. Especially because I can't stop thinking about shitty toxic people that hurt me. I need someone to talk to, someone who cares but who also knows the limits (not like the overwhelming one I mentionned before, that was just unbearable and still gives me major distress when I think about it), someone willing to clear my mind when it gets too dark, someone to reassure me. Not just an occasionnal person to talk to on the internet. But a friend.
Is it selfish to feel that way ? Because I'm tired of being the one that always starts conversations and people don't even bother responding or when they respond they write a message every hour even though they've told me they have nothing to do.
And the worst thing is that even though sometimes I just want to give up on all these people that don't care, I still end up eventually reaching out to them like a desperate dog.
I don't know. I just don't feel seen.
Nobody sees me, nobody understands me.
Everything is always going in one way and I'm the one who never receives anything in return.
Being it in real life or in virtual life, I always end up left out.
Sometimes I wish to d*e or disappear for a very long time just so that people would eventually start caring, maybe someone would wonder what's up with me. But I think I'm starting to realize that even if I disappear, no one will even notice.
I feel like all the human beings I know are just breaking my heart one after another. I feel like there's not even one person that brings me positive feelings and only positive feelings. It's always bittersweet. I'm tired of that. I wish there was a way to permanently delete people from your mind because I care too much and it's destroying me.

How to forget toxic people you don't talk to anymore ?
They keep coming back in my mind, being awake or asleep, life's a nightmare, I don't know why my brain keeps thinking and thinking and thinking about shitty people that did me more bad than good. It's really tiring.