#3 of actually kinda journalling :D

Sup, so i'm like actually doing this at a normal human time today instead of 3am lmaoo. Kinda proud.

However, I do plan to go back to sleep after this so it's probs gonna be short.

I'm tired like allll the time lately but I just can't seem to fall asleep, hence the nap. I'd say i've gotten like 15ish hours since friday (it's monday) so i'm kinda just ready to crash for 10 hours.

My only day off this week is Wednesday though, which sucks but oh well. I'll probably spend most of it sleeping if the guy I'm currently going on date with (dating but not together) is down to go out.

He works a lot too which I kinda like? Means he understands that yeah, my sleep schedule is weird and I don't have a lot of time or energy to go out cuz I work a lot. It's nice?

Don't get me wrong, i've dated (gone on dates and relationships) before but most of them didn't work or they did but only a couple days a week. Or they went to college so they'd kinda get frustrated when I'd explain that I can only do specific days or times. Which is kinda dumb right? Like sorry I'm responsible and have a job?

Ima really good bf though, so good. My last ex lived two busses and a train away and we were dating while I was at college. College was 5 days a week (monday-friday) and about an hour via bus from where I live. I used to do college (including the bus ride) from 8am to 5:20pm, wake up about 6:45am, then i'd go straight from the bus to work then do work 5:30pm-10/11pm.

That was a crazy time, then fitting in my then gf? Mental. I went to see her at least once a month (some months she'd come here) so i'd skip college and go see her then get the train back in time for work. Tbh though, my attendance was always pretty ***, had meetings and everything but still.

So yeah, I'm good like that if we're like together? But if we ain't then yeah man, you gotta wait till i'm free. Plus is Christmas time soooo me and time off doesn't really mix.

Also, it's Christmas next week? Which is kinda crazy to me, I mean, I have an advent calendar. I'm actually opening it everyday too (it's socks) so I know what the date is. Which is crazy because I barely know what day of the week it is half the time, but it so doesn't feel real.

I guess most things don't feel real lately? Or well, for the past few months tbh. I mean, everythings normal and I think that's the problem.

I really rely on routine, like so much it's concerning. Small things in the day change but the whole days are pretty similar. Idk? I just feel stuck, like i'm watching the same move over and over again.

I need to change something, get another job, get a hobby, go out more. I've also been entertained by the idea of going back to college or getting my drivers license but i'm not sure.

What I am sure about though is that i'm 20 next year and I still feel the same as I did when I was 10. Still feel lost, depressed, empty, weird. Like I'm watching someone else live out my life?

It's weird, kinda freaky so I try not to focus on it too much. I know it's disassociation or something similar to that but I also don't know how to stop it.

Anyways, my eyes are actively drooping closed so imo get that nap,

Have a good day/night people :)