9-1-1 current fixation

“ I have walked through fire every single day of my life because of you. That is why I am in therapy because nothing I ever did was good enough.”

“You never made it easy on us, either of you”

“We were supposed to? We we’re kids”

“Evan, I don’t know what you expected us to do”

“Love me anyway”

-9-1-1, Season 4, Buck Begins.

I heard the tik tok sound before I even watched the show. It was drowned out by the Anthems for a seventeen year-old girl.

But you could here the line ‘love me anyway’

Then a guy I went on a date with suggested it.

Then I kept seeing clips on my tik tok.

Then here I am. Technically I’m only 5 seasons in but I’ve watched the show through edits.

Evan Buckley. I know why everyone loves him as a character. They understand him. I understand him.

My dad is an alcoholic, schizophrenic. My mum got custody when I was about two because he told the court that he wanted to k-ll us all.

I get it. Not like, it’s not a good thing but he was, is sick. He wasn’t taking his meds and he was ill. He thought that if he k-led us all, we’d be happy in the after-life. I understand that.

I met him when I was 12/13. My sister wanted to meet him so I went along with her. Despite her being older than me, I’ve always wanted to keep her safe. I was out as trans at this point, but I remember mum telling me not to say anything about it. I didn’t.

He left a couple months later after asking my mum said no when he asked her out.

It didn’t hurt. I’m angry about it now, but back then I was expecting it. He wasn’t my dad, he was just a guy.

I met him again when I was 17. My sister got in contact with him first, wanted me too do the same. Of course I did. She outed me though.

He never said anything to me about it. He never actually talked to me though. Asked simple stuff, like my job and college but focused on my older sister. I get that. He didn’t meet me when I was born, he was with my sister two years beforehand though.

We never clicked. Then my 18th rolled around and I didn’t even get a text. Nothing.

I haven’t spoken to him in almost two years now. I don’t feel bad about it, don’t feel sad. Just angry.

How can he love his new kids but not me? The anger will never go away, I know that, but I also know that it’ll continue to fade.

My mum is complicated. I love her but I don’t love the woman I grew up. I always say I lost my mother when I was 12, when my step dad left but in reality, I don’t think I ever had one.

She was harsh before she met my step dad, got better after she met him though. Then they got married, he left. I didn’t know why at the time but I didn’t shed a tear. Didn’t feel sad, just felt nothing I guess.

Then my mum started working more. I got that, dropped from a two household income to one. But when she was home she was never there.

She expected me and my older sister to fend for ourselves and our younger siblings. She wasn’t there for anything.

I never told her stuff before hand, I was always taught my sister is more important because she’s more sensitive. I learnt to hide things pretty easily.

It was meant to be me and my sister, a team. She got selfish, ego to big for her body, she got mean. I get it, I do. It still hurt, still does.

Now me and my mum are tentative friends. We talk all the time (I still live at home), never too personal, nothing that will rock the cracked foundation. I give her advice, teach her how to raise her own son. I lend money, buy gifts.

If I say too much, be too honest, the foundation will split open. I can’t afford that right now, I got no where else to go.

I know what it’s like not to be loved. I’ve spent my life not being loved. My mother, she loves her children. She just doesn’t love me as a person.

I’ve been so desperate to be loved that I’ve been in a lot of bad relationships.

I get it. I understand him in ways that I wish I didn’t.

I know he’s just a character on tv, an actor telling a story but God. I am grateful to feel understood.

Have a good day/night