A journal entry 3/30

A private journal entry very long but I just wonder what it be like to post on here:

Sometimes I wonder what happened if I was able to live my own life. Have my own place and just be respected. I’m 35 now and still haven’t accomplished that sure I might of have a brief taste of what it’s live to live on your own. Eventually that was taken away maybe I didn’t know how to keep it. I guess that’s why I prefer to be alone it’s the most I feel in control and the most I feel less judged my society. Since I’m single, 35, still unmarried and childless yet I don’t have the desire to have kids or meet or find someone to date or marry. But of course my mom made the comment “who will take care of you when I’m gone?” As a friend of hers mentioned needing a date for her friend’s son but I never met him and wasn’t impressed with his picture. I know looks aren’t everything but I’ve grown weary and still pretty discouraged from my last relationship last year. It’s ironic since my mom didn’t really approve of the previous relationships I’ve dated in the past. Not that they lasted anyway but I’ve grown and learned from it and that’s all you can do.

I guess I realized marriage is a serious thing as it’s a commitment and to go through a divorce if the relationship doesn’t work out is a whole process to go through. While if you’re just dating and you break up it’s whatever. It sucks, it’s beyond devastating but you’re not stuck with that person. And if kids are involved like who gets custody or if it’s joint custody it will affect the kids psyche and their view on life.

I’m also not sure how work is going to be like when I go. About a certain instructor that frequently calls out and has changes to her schedule I’m already getting the feeling she’s not going to last long. I don’t like I’m thinking this way I wish I don’t have these thoughts and I’m not the one to deal with it first hand but more secondhand. And it would be devastating for the students to since I’m sure there are those that really do like her. Also it’s nice to see to have female instructors that teach more than vocal but if it happens I guess how will I feel I’m not close in face I’m not ever acknowledged most of the time. But I know most would compare to other past instructors that left on a petty note. But I don’t want to mention or think about them. Since they don’t work here anymore maybe I’m over it. I don’t want to hear their names again and even if she leaves I don’t want to hear her name ever again. But we’ll see in a few hours.

I’m still have the habit of ruminating in the past how I lost my last job and how it has brought be here but also it has led to the disllusionment  of how I feel about her and why I’m no longer involved with it like I used to. And I’m still bitter of the people that let me go for the petty reason that “they are going in a different direction” which was their reason how cold they’re expressions were and went on like it was nothing. The resentment of feeling like I was reduced to a stranger and being treated like trash taken out. Literally they lumped all my belongings into one box with a sculpture I forget and they lumped it with a bunch of garbage that wasn’t mine. That was all I needed to know about them that day. Their fakeness wouldn’t cover their apathy. And for the ceramic department there too. I guess they treated me like a stranger there too but I guess trying to take classes as a regular student is a lot different than being a higher position. And it’s difficult to make time to work on my projects and still juggle with my current job and eventually it didn’t feel like my place anymore and now I don’t want anything to do with it. Or with anyone there since most would see me as a stranger and ignore me regardless and it makes me feel angry. Plus the ceramic department and the admin office at my last job don’t get along at all and being let go was when I realized why. Yet I don’t like any of them now.

I guess with my current job still remaining as coordinator for three years going on four I mean I seen the company have a change in direction and I’ve seen people leave because they don’t agree with the direction they’re going but here I am still adapting, still here. Still with the direction they’re going which contrast with my last job that I don’t even last a couple months after my first year. Even through im seen as thriving but at the same time i just feel like surviving. But I know it won’t last forever there will be a time where I’ll falter and they will pull the stunt like the last company did to me. And where will I go after that? What would my life be? Of course what is my life right now?