Bad again, yay

I don't even know when it started to get bad again.

Which is an inaccurate statement because it's always bad, i'm always bad. I genuinely can't remember the last time I was happy because i'm always depressed.

I've been depressed since I was a kid though so my version of 'good' is when i'm feeling nothing. It's when I can force myself out of my bed for anything other than work, when I want to eat.

Bad is not leaving my room, not cleaning it. Not even wanting to go to work. Bad is when my mind is everywhere but nowhere at the same time. Bad is when I constantly feel like i'm about to cry or have a mental breakdown.

But bad isn't when I get the urge to sh because thats always there. Bad is when I entertain the idea even though I know it doesn't help, i know thinking about it, doing it doesn't help. If anything it makes it worse because it doesn't calm me. Not like it used to because somewhere along the way it just was an addiction. Something i'd do when I was feeling anything but empty, which was far too often.

I'm two years clean now though, two years. Because it stopped helping, stopped feeling like a breath of fresh air and instead it just made me spiral more and I can't keep doing that.

But yeah it's bad again. I say again but it never stopped, just settled. And I don't know what to do. I'm tired, i'm not sleeping right again but it's not that. I'm tired in a way where my bones feel like they're mended together. In a way that makes waking up harder, leaving my room harder, going to work harder, existing harder.

But i'm not 15 anymore. My only worry isn't dragging myself to school and mindlessly sitting there for 6-7 hours before I can mindlessly sit in my bed until the next day rolls around.

I'm 19, I have a job that requires me to be functional. I have a younger brother who likes to spend time with me. I have to feed myself, I have to be somewhat functional. But god am I tired.

Usually I can feel the decline, can recognise it happening and prepare for it. I didn't feel the decline, or I didn't notice it but now i'm here and idk what to do.