Brain Won't Let me be Happy for Long
I'm just sitting here, eating a breakfast someone I live with was happy to buy for me today. I should be grateful, and I am. I was just about to make an appreciation post because I have a tendency to just complain about people rather than vocally acknowledge the good.
But my brain doesn't like to let me have the good times for very long. All I can think about is negative. "She won't be feeling this nice later," "You need to do favors for them in return for breakfast if you want to be good," "but remember the time when they ____ and it upset you?" Stuff like this.
This is made worse when I try to bring up things that bother me, and I am told, "you don't appreciate what we do for you every day."
@BusyBird
Some people refer to that as "waiting for the other shoe to drop." It refers to the very common habit of believing that if something good happens, something negative must follow. Besides that, complaining is far more prevalent than acknowledging the good. So, if you have spent a significant part of your life around others who have done a lot of complaining, such complaining can become second nature.
Couple that with typical expectations that by someone doing something nice for you, they expect something in return. It can be very difficult to believe that someone will perform a caring act completely selflessly, and not expect anything in return.
There are also relationships in which one or both partners can be unpredictable, being nice for a while, then unexpectedly not be so nice. That makes it hard to appreciate the niceness when opposite behavior often follows.
Consider that if for every nice thing that happens, something negative follows. Or for every nice thing a person does, they do something that's not so nice. Indeed, lack of appreciation falls into that category.
So, 50% of the day is filled with good things, and the remaining 50% contains things that are not so good. How do we train our brain to make the best of the situation?
How would the brain feel if 50% of the good things are diminished or ignored while the more negative things are given full acknowledgment?
How would the brain feel if time is taken to savor the good things, while spending less time paying attention to the negative things?
Even if everything will always be 50% good and 50% bad, how will you and those around you be affected by expressing appreciation for the good?
News focuses on the negative. People share their grievances with each other in order to gain a sense of connection. We've evolved to pay more attention to negative stuff as a self preservation strategy. It really can't be considered a flaw if we find ourselves with a negative bias towards life. However, bias invariably separates us from an accurate perception of reality. That inaccurate perception served us well in prehistory, but not so much anymore.
I feel that the purpose of self preservation is to pursue fulfillment and happiness. Such pursuit bears fruit when blessings are counted and others are appreciated, even if they have crabby periods. Heck, we can even appreciate ourselves despite our own moodiness.
@Spiritriver
That part about the complaining makes sense to me. I think, growing up, certain people I knew and relied on did complain a lot. Like my mom. I remember her being a pretty negative figure in my life.
As for the unpredictable partners aspect, I think that too is very relatable. I think mine might be unpredictable. I hope I'm not also unpredictable...
I am terrified of underappreciating people and the things they do. In fact, moments before you sent this, I made an entire post specifically to make sure I vocalized my appreciation for people I know. It was long overdue.
I think there is boundless wisdom in all that you've said here. You mentioned news. The negativity is actually a huge reason I've stopped watching all the news. People think I should constantly be aware of everything, but it was absolutely contributing to my worsening mental health!
I just... I need to figure out how to go back to who I used to be. I always was burdened by difficult thoughts and feelings, but I was generally happier despite it a few years ago. You make good points about giving too much attention to the 50% bad. It's just easier said than done.
@BusyBird
I agree, it's easier said than done, but doable just the same. It's also hard to make sudden radical changes sustainable. Gentle self-reminders, and being okay with gradual incremental changes, works best for me. Self-acceptance and appreciation is empowering, and instrumental in developing the skill to help others feel appreciated.
There was a song by Harry Nilsson, actually part of a story/record in which his lead character “Obleo” came to realize that a point in every direction is the same as having no point at all. Well, when I try to keep up with the news, it's like viewing multi-directional points, most of them pointing towards predictions of doom and gloom. In addition, being aware of everything, considering how much there is to keep track of, means filling the mind with massive quantities of tiny fragments of information.
People who think they need to be constantly aware of everything, generally have diffused focus, and precious little in depth information with which to draw wisdom based conclusions. Such people are contributing to their own worsening mental health, and are not great advisors.
Wouldn't going back to who you used to be mean that you'd be the person who has yet to face these growth producing challenges?
Would it help to realize that at depth, you already are who you used to be before being repeatedly distracted by a lot of negativity? In truth, you are not your thoughts. You're the core of beauty behind them. The growth producing challenge is to determine how much power and emotion need to be invested in the thoughts that pass through our mental “stage.” You can observe them, acknowledge them, and let them pass, like passing clouds, or you can decide, “these, I'd like to embrace.”
Many years ago, there was a movie, “Are the Gods Crazy?” During the opening scene, there were a couple of people sitting next to each other at a snack bar. One turns to the other and asks, “Is the noise inside my head bothering you?” It made me laugh, but also reminded me that some thoughts are more or less “noise.” Some are goofy, random, and unexpected. They're easily dismissed due to their absurdity. Some equally absurd thoughts masquerade as important or frightening. We are the referee. We decide which thoughts are “playing nice” and which ones need to sent away. We allocate power to our thoughts when we fear them, but we can also empower the positive ones. I think generally, the most troubling thoughts don't deserve the power we assign to them. Fear of embarrassment is one such thought.
Thanks for writing back.
@Spiritriver That's a good start. I'm trying to do that but the harsh voice is very strong and old. It is also further complicated when the people you love and trust sometimes sound a bit like that harsh voice, then it becomes multiple voices against one.
I have to agree with your points about the news and those who are always trying to keep up with it. I think there has to be a balance between focusing on one's own life and focusing on the bigger picture. Sure, a horrific situation happening across the world could affect us eventually, but stuff is happening everywhere for multiple reasons at every moment. I wish I took this perspective when I was growing up...
When it comes to becoming who I once was, I suppose I meant I wished I was more tolerant and had that inherent happiness that still existed. Maybe not so much the flaws I had, and possibly still have. I mean, I was often unhappy, but not to this level and the good moments were much longer.
What you say about choosing what to take of myself as I grow is interesting to me. It has me thinking a bit. I realize maybe I just can't decide what is worth keeping and what isn't. Does that make sense?
That there, about the negative thoughts and the positive thoughts, is also interesting. I know that the negative tends to overpower the positive, and I'm sure it served an evolutionary advantage or something. Probably a lot less helpful in the modern day, though. I know for a fact that, in my case, I struggle not to give importance to negative thoughts because the idea is, "what if this awareness is protecting me or warning me?"
I'm so sorry for the wait. Sometimes I take days to reply. I don't know if 7Cups will notify you after a certain number of days or not but I usually don't get a response back after a while.
And thank you also! I get so, so much from these types of conversations. I hope you get a little something out of it too.
