College at 20?

I’m not a cocky person. I come across as cocky a lot, probably will during this but I swear I’m not.

Despite my crippling mental health and trauma filled, sh-tty life, I’m confident in what I can do.

Jack of all trades, master of none.

I grew up wanting to be a brain surgeon. Imagine asking a ten year old what did they want to be when they grow up and then replying with ‘I wanna be a brain surgeon.’

I can’t remember much from my childhood, so I don’t remember why I wanted to be one. I’ve always suspected it’s because my mum always told me my dad’s brain was unwell.

I only found this out recently but apparently I got a lot of praise from teachers. They told my mother that I was going to go far in life.

I was just above average in high school, grade wise. Despite not studying once I passed every single one of my GCSE’s at the good old age of 15.

I proceeded to go to college, I did well. The reason for teacher concerns and occasion meetings was never because of my grades or performance. It was because of my attendance, well, lack of attendance.

Despite it, I still did really well, an argument I tried to make during the first and second college.

I wasn’t ready then, for college. I was … unstable? Too wrapped up in my depression to see a world, a life outside of it. But I was supposed to go to college, that’s what was expected of me so I did.

It’s been almost 3 years since I’ve been in a college now. Just saying that makes me feel old. I’m not, I’m 20 this year.

Yet I feel the most stable I have in years. I’m still mentally ill, yes. I still struggle but I’m working on it. Actually genuinely working on it and airing out all my dirty laundry here is genuinely helping.

I think I’m ready to go back. I’m worried that if I do, I’ll find out that I’m not actually ready. But I’m ready to put in the work this time, I’m excited to put in the work.

I’m smart, that’s just a fact. I enjoy using my brain, multiple of my research spirals show that and I miss it. Miss learning, working.

I took health and social care when I was in high school, took to it like a fish takes to water. I remember doing all of my coursework in just a day because it was lockdown and I left it all till last minute. I did it well though, got an M2 but bumped it to a D* after editing.

I loved it, it was a fascinating class. I loved business too, I took to that pretty well too.

Ideally, I’d love to do both but I refuse to go back to the first collage. It was a Catholic school and I have a lot of issues being trans there. The second collage was too far out, I only went because my friends and because they are really LGBTQ+ friendly.

So I need to find another college somewhat close (I have one in mind).

I plan to take health and social, I’m confident that my overall D2 (My test score knocked me down a tad) will help me get in. I might struggle with the financial aspect but I know there’s loans and things I can take.

I can keep my current job, I’m confident that I can do both as long as I see about dropping a couple shifts at work or seeing if I can have some of my classes online.

I think having a hybrid learning would be better due to the leg issues I’m dealing with. Also, it’ll take the pressure off of my mental health.

I’m not telling anyone. Not yet. But I think I’m gonna do it.