:D

There's lots of issues between my mother and I.

We don't talk about them obviously, we steer clear of any conversations that may spark an argument as we live together.

If we do argue, it's loud. It's always a big argument, we ignore each other for days, even weeks afterwards and then we pretend like it never happened.

When I was younger, I thought she hated me because I reminded her of my dad. He was really abusive before I was born, she got out of that 2 weeks before I was born. Anyways, I've now met my dad (i'm 19) and I can safely say i'm nothing like him.

I think the only thing we share is our nose, other than that, there's no resemblance.

Now that i'm older, I think she hates me for me.

I won't lie and say that I don't have bits of my mother's personality. Most people can't tell we're related, not till one of us say anything. However, I do have my mother's sailor mouth, I'm quick to defend others and other things.

I also got her intelligence, in more ways than she'll ever know. Though, we're smart in different ways.

As a kid, I was observant, still am but I try to do it less (people find it creepy when I learn things about them, despite them never telling me anything). So when I was younger I observed everything, including my mother.

I could tell what mood she'd be in based on her footsteps, could tell when she was hiding something. I learnt everything about my mother just by watching her. Now, does she know to what extent, no. However, i think she eventually caught on.

I do it with her boyfriends too, it's a fun game we play. I call out if he's going to be a ***, while she tries to say he's great (i've been right every time so far).

Ok so I've gone off road here. Anyways, though I think that there are many reasons why my mother hates me, I think it's because i'm a lot like her.

Now you don't know my mother's background, but i'll tell you that it's pretty ***. Like 7.5/10 on the horrific scale. I'd say i'm at a solid 5.5.

Yet I've picked up many of her traits, habits. A few *** genetics too, got the good old depression and possibly adhd/autism. I also care deeply, i'm a loyal person. Which sounds great, but it means that i've already been *** over more times than I like to admit.

I hate her too. It's a mutual hatred. I still love her and I like to think she loves me too, but there's hate there too.

I hate her for having children. A selfish endeavour, she has always wanted children and so she did. I wish she never had. Me and my older sister got the *** mother. The version that put far too much on your shoulders despite your age, the version that whispered poison in our ears till we believed it. The version that you can't tell others about because the look of pity shines in their eyes.

Then she just stopped. I mean, she had a valid reason, my step dad left her for another woman. But she had kids who just lost their parent too, despite the fact that he was a step parent (I was 12).

That's when the expectations grew, the bar got higher yet this time it was just me and my sister trying to look after our two younger siblings.

We've spoken about this, well argued, my mother and I. I didn't get an apology (I wasn't expecting one really) just a 'I just lost a husband' where I responded 'I just lost my dad'.

Now I'm not saying that she should've *** off her own feelings and focused on us. I'm saying that ignoring the fact that he left and being harder on her kids wasn't the answer.

Nowadays, she's still not really my mother. I parent my youngest brother still and my younger sister lives at her dad's now. For my mother, i'm merely just a friend, a tenant, a bank.

I am eager to move out but unfortunately money is ugh. Anyways, sorry for rambling