Does it worth?

Dear Diary,

I feel like I’m too ambitious, and that I shouldn't be. I’m a girl living in a poor country, I’m Black, and I’m poor, too. The funny thing is, I only really spend time with white people, I live in a big great house and I’m attending one of the bests private school in the state. It’s not so funny when you’re actually living it, though.

My mother is what we consider white here in Latin America, and my father was Black. He died when I was little, and my mother doesn't care or like his family enough to keep them close to me, so I haven't had much contact with them. I’ve spent my whole life getting scholarships to attend good schools alongside wealthy people. The house I live belongs to rich relatives, and my mother and I have never had a home of our own. I feel like everything I have is a fake.

I’ve lived with various relatives to focus on my studies. They treat my mother as if she’s beneath them, because she didn’t did well in life like them. Honestly, it’s not their fault, she’s the one who views herself and me through that lens of inferiority, as if we’re supposed to retreat into our own insignificance. I envy them and I envy the people at school. I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help it. The only things that are truly mine are my dreams, and even those seem too far out of reach right now.

I’m tired of my mother, tired of these people’s extreme religiosity, and tired of pretending I don’t care about not being like the rich kids at school. I want to study abroad and just get this over with, but every step forward feels like a knife slicing into my skin, and everything leaves me exhausted and unmotivated. I hear friends at lunch talking about how they’re going to study in Europe or the United States next year, and I have to hold back tears because everything comes easily to them, while I have to work twice as hard for next to nothing.

My mother doesn't support me, so I do everything on my own. I started school clubs debate and Model UN and taught myself two languages. I began competing in MUNs and qualified for the national round, along with half the members of the club I trained in debate. I’ve won awards, honorable mentions, and medals, and I take part in volunteer projects, yet I always feel like I’m lagging behind people I know who have the means to do so much more, to donate more and dedicate more time.

I feel unmotivated all the time, and my mother hates it, she hates that I have big dreams. She calls them "unrealistic" and says I should focus on the national exam, which would get me into the state university for freel and that I need to "get my feet back on the ground." I don't want to be like her, and the state university doesn't even offer the programs I'm interested in. She said Gods dreams for me are marriage and kids. I’m a lesbian and I don’t believe in God after all I have been living alone.

My friends are good, im surprised they are my friends after all. I don’t know why they like a workaholic girl with dark humor and that mostly acts like a zombie nowadays. I miss old friends from other cities, but I feel like I’ve become a terrible person and they’re all too good for me. I used to be funnier. Loving. There’s only one friend I talk everyday that is not from my school.

“Everything gonna get better when you get out of there, Amy, trust me” she says. I don’t believe her, but I can’t die right now and waste everything I’ve been working for.

Im also bipolar, but my mom refuses to let me take my meds and to admit I’m not fine, even argued with doctors. Im more depressed every day, and I’m trying to fill my head and focus in other stuff but I have no energy and it’s killing me. I feel like nothing worths.

Dear diary,

I forgot to put the date yesterday, but today is October 6.

Somehow, I feel like today wasnt worth walking up.

It’s been a packed day. I got into a fight with my mom this morning because I was sleeping in the car. Honestly, that’s just who I feel like I am these days. When I got to school, I layed down on one of the sofas and missed the first class. I barely paid attention in the others. I needed to finish up some things for a social action project I’m working on. I paid attention to the english class because i feel our classmates dont value our teacher enough, and Shes a good teacher.

During the break, my friend James came over to tell me how happy he was about a trip to see his boyfriend. Honestly, all I could think about was how single I am. Romantic stuff doesn't really bother me right now, but it does bug me that men like me while women don't. I know the reason why they dont: Men are easy, they see a pretty face and want to strike up a conversation. Girls look for personality and depth, and even though I’m a person with a lot of layers, I don't smile much or make people laugh anymore. I used to be more fun.

I wonder what happened.

I miss the version of me who used to be a bright person, even my depressive episodes where fun.

My friend Ally shares the same experience I do, but I can't help but downplay her suffering (in my head, I’d never say it out loud) whenever she complains about something. I don't get how someone could be depressed when they carry a bottle of Dior perfume in the Prada bag they take everywhere. I got her a boy to talk too tho, and she seems happy.

Today, the principal called me in to talk about applying to universities abroad. He scheduled a meeting for Friday with me and a counselor from a fancy IB school, since my school doesn't really handle that sort of thing, at least not at my campus. I don't know if it's worth it, and I'm terrified that when Friday comes, I'll embarrass myself by not being good enough.

I can't stand talking to anyone anymore. I'm exhausted. I spent the whole afternoon taking exams, even though, technically, my grades are already good enough to graduate with honors. I'm working on my valedictorian speech, too. It's been a busy day. Being busy belos me to not think about dying too much. I need to keep my mind shut.

Sincerely, Amy.

Dear diary,

I forgot to put the date yesterday, but today is October 6.

Somehow, I feel like today wasnt worth walking up.

It’s been a packed day. I got into a fight with my mom this morning because I was sleeping in the car. Honestly, that’s just who I feel like I am these days. When I got to school, I layed down on one of the sofas and missed the first class. I barely paid attention in the others. I needed to finish up some things for a social action project I’m working on. I paid attention to the english class because i feel our classmates dont value our teacher enough, and Shes a good teacher.

During the break, my friend James came over to tell me how happy he was about a trip to see his boyfriend. Honestly, all I could think about was how single I am. Romantic stuff doesn't really bother me right now, but it does bug me that men like me while women don't. I know the reason why they dont: Men are easy, they see a pretty face and want to strike up a conversation. Girls look for personality and depth, and even though I’m a person with a lot of layers, I don't smile much or make people laugh anymore. I used to be more fun.

I wonder what happened.

I miss the version of me who used to be a bright person, even my depressive episodes where fun.

My friend Ally shares the same experience I do, but I can't help but downplay her suffering (in my head, I’d never say it out loud) whenever she complains about something. I don't get how someone could be depressed when they carry a bottle of Dior perfume in the Prada bag they take everywhere. I got her a boy to talk too tho, and she seems happy.

Today, the principal called me in to talk about applying to universities abroad. He scheduled a meeting for Friday with me and a counselor from a fancy IB school, since my school doesn't really handle that sort of thing, at least not at my campus. I don't know if it's worth it, and I'm terrified that when Friday comes, I'll embarrass myself by not being good enough.

I can't stand talking to anyone anymore. I'm exhausted. I spent the whole afternoon taking exams, even though, technically, my grades are already good enough to graduate with honors. I'm working on my valedictorian speech, too. It's been a busy day. Being busy belos me to not think about dying too much. I need to keep my mind shut.

Sincerely, Amy.

October 7

Dear diary,

Today was an long day.

My speech club decided to organize a charity drive, and I was in charge of everything, picking the location, deciding who would do what...all of that because of the national children day, in october 12. I received the donations, and there was so much stuff, books, money, clothes and food.

I felt sad that I didn't have much to contribute myself. I don't have clothes I don't wear, and I don't own many pieces to begin with. I didn't have many toys as a child either, and i didnt kept them after i grew up, also, most of my books are pirated copies from the internet, and i read it online.

Even so, I was happy we could take so many things to the chosen institution, an orphanage. Ally brought a camera to school film the everything, but when we spoke at lunch, she had a fever and ended up going home. Marjorie, who is also on the club's board, said she wouldn't go either, though I can't expect much from irresponsible people who always had everything handed to them. Others couldn't make it because of an innovative science project the school is promoting, but they’re forgiven, I liked their projects (and their fat donations). Lily's mom drove us there, and when we arrived at the orphanage, most of the group was fighting back tears. I actually thought the children seemed to be in good condition, even though the overall situation was sad. I felt bad about not feeling sad like them. Maybe I'm not as empathetic as I used to be. Sometimes I wonder where my humanity has gone.

Maybe it will come back one day?

Maybe it wont. Maybe thats the price i have to pay to rise.

There was one baby who caught my eye, though. He was tiny but injured, the coordinator told us he had arrived just the day before. His family situation was troubled. Celene's mom brought a bigger cake than expected and promised we would all come back. I certainly will, but i dont think the others will bother again.

James is worried about not getting into college for free. His family has the money to pay for it, but if they do pay for his tuition, he’ll remain stuck in the closet until he stops depending on them, and the teacher dont belive in them. I told him I think he’s smart, because it’s true: even though he doesn't always study that much, he gets great grades. I said he shouldn't care what other people think.

He said I don't get it, because I don't need validation from others, and i dont care about anyone.

He’s right, I’ve never needed anyone’s validation, especially from my family, because even if I did, I’d never get the validation. I was never considered pretty for them, they don't like my features. I was never the quiet type, I stand up for what I believe is right, and im not afraid of them. I was never religious, nor did I know how to retreat into insignificance.

I’m too ambitious for that, my ego has always been huge.

Sometimes i tell myself thats the only way i finded to cope. Aphaty. Now im afraid ill never recover.

Claire said ill be fine, im a good person, and her cards said ill heal once i leave. I dont believe her.