Eva’s Crazy Mind

well, guess running on 3h of sleep isn’t so bad. 

mom said that i should have a couple of hours a day free from screens. her explanation was that you have to have time to just be, because that’s when you’re connected to yourself. i get the idea, but you see, mom, when i’m repeatedly thinking about my own death, trying to avoid remembering certain painful memories and in a loud endless war with my mind, then taking away the distractions is really not the solution. because then i’ll go for different distractions and methods and that’s really not better. trust me. 

i made my lip bleed. again. i always pick on them until they do. 

but it’s a better alternative than some others, i guess. so it’s no big deal at all. 

guilt here guilt there guilt *** everywhere.

btw, if anyone here feels like i haven’t been around lately or reached out, then yeah it’s true. it’s not intentional, i’m just tired. exhausted, even. it takes too much effort to even do something as simple as reaching out and asking about someone’s day. thinking of replies has become hard. i’m sorry. i do think about it constantly, believe me. and i do feel guilty and bad about it. what a friend. but i try. i try to try, at least. i still have you all in my mind all the time. but i might keep to myself for a little. i’m open to talking, i just won’t be the starter of it, probably. 

(also, a little note, when i upvote a post, it doesn’t mean i agree to it always. like when it’s some negative comment about someone’s self, then my upvote will mean that i saw it and saw them, not that i necessarily agree. felt like i had to clarify that, just in case. idk.) 

<3

also going right now because 3h of sleep is starting to catch up to me. 

love <3

idek if i put my correct exact birth date here on cups. 

tw.
so i relapsed.