Failed the journalling

I let myself forget a lot of things.

It's easier said than done but it's a skill that I've perfected overtime. It's a bad skills to have though.

Just because you forget, doesn't mean you can't remember. Remembering always hurts worse than actually knowing.

I saw a close friend yesterday. Known him for about 8 years now, longest friend i've ever had a friend.

We used to be close, but yk life happens. We went to different colleges, he moved away for uni.

Life got in the way. He's still a good friend, still like a brother. Just, he doesn't really know me anymore.

I don't know when that happened.

He was slagging off my ex today. Makes sense in retrospect yk? Like, big picture wise, yeah, it's kinda his job.

However, i've also explain how much she meant to me. Means to me. He knows that she had a massive impact on me, on my life.

I'll still defend her. I think I always will because she's not a bad person. She's not. She just, she made a choice. Unfortunately that choice made our relationship not work out.

That's okay.

My friend just doesn't get that i'm okay with it I guess? Idk.

I just feel really alone. Funny right?

It's Christmas. I'm seeing family, friends. I've been working for like 2 weeks in a row. Yet I feel really alone.

The more I talk to people, the lonelier I get. These people don't know me, yet they call themselves my family, my friends.

They buy me gifts, nothing too personal but enough that I smile and say thank you. Then there's my gift, something thought out, something personal based on something they probably mentioned months ago. A gift I spent hours thinking about.

I always give more than I get. When I love someone, I love them with everything I got. I've never had that returned. I get it, it's a lot but it just sucks.

I am alone. Sure, I can surround myself with people but they don't know me. They don't want to know me.

I'll continue to watch what I say, try to keep my personality under wraps because no one actually like's me. They like the perfectly curated version designed to charm. Designed to get people to like me.

I'll steer any conversation away from me because I know they don't care. They've shown me over and over again that they don't. They're only here because they're obligated to be.

Loneliness is like a physical thing. A group of people keeping you trapped in a box made out of spikes. One wrong move and you're bleeding. One wrong move and the people are crowding in. Not caring, just judging.

It doesn't matter really. I've gotten really good at being alone. Sure, it feels all consuming sometimes but what can you do.

No one's going to love me like I love them. It's a simple fact. I love too much, too easily. Someone can run me over, break me over and over again and i'd find a way to forgive them.

I don't even know why. Maybe because I grew up forgiving my mother, over and over again.

I really hate Christmas.

I really hate being alone.