Faith?

I lack faith and belief in anything because every time I think about it too much, my head spins. There are just far too many what if's, far too many possibilities.

I like to question what I did in a past life to deserve this one though. Was I cruel and unforgiving? Did I ruin lives? What did I do to deserve such a tragic life?

It could be worse, but i've learnt that it doesn't matter if it could be worse. My life is still *** regardless, still enough to send people running. Still enough for people to get that look of pity in their eyes.

I'm a good person but I wonder if I was a good person in the past life? If a past life even is a thing. I wonder if there are multiple of me, spread across different dimensions. How are they managing.

Too many questions that i'll never get the answers too. I can't have faith, I don't believe in the idea of having faith. I understand it and yet can't seem to have it. I like facts, knowledge, not what ifs.

Is she my soulmate in every life time? Does it always end in heartbreak or are we allowed to love one another? Allowed to bask in the love we share?

Are my parents awful in other dimensions? Are they happy, or are they still angry, miserable? Do they love their children or do they hate them?

Too many questions, and no answers. Far to many philosophical ideas, far far far too many. They embed these thoughts into my brain, making me question each decision I make.

What if I deserve this for past mistakes? Even if it was a past life, even if I don't remember it, it's still me right? So do I deserve this sadness that's rapidly eating at my resolve? Do I deserve nothing but bad?

Do I deserve to get punished for actions, choices that I don't even remember making, that I don't even know that happened?