Fallout

Earlier today I had a bit of a scare coming into work. One of my coworkers had a bad fallout with a former employee who used to work with us, and for a while people were worried he might show up. Thankfully he never did, but the situation brought up a lot of emotions for me.

We were all mutual friends at one point, which makes this hard to process. He left the company about two years ago on a really bad note and had major fallouts with several instructors and people here. After he left, there were always rumors and gossip surrounding him, and I never fully knew what to believe. Part of me wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.

There were times he reached out to me wanting to hang out, but I always felt conflicted. Something in my gut kept telling me to keep my distance, and months ago I finally blocked him hoping we would both move on.

Today honestly felt like closure in a sad way. I realized I don’t need to keep questioning whether I made the right decision. I think I did. At the same time, it hurts accepting that someone who used to be part of your life can become someone you no longer feel safe or comfortable around.

What also unsettles me is that he had visited my house late at night before, back when I hadn’t fully seen the more toxic side of things yet. So even though nothing happened today, part of me still feels anxious and worried about the possibility of harassment or him showing up again someday.

I also ended up talking briefly with one of the instructors who knew more about the situation. We weren’t especially close, but for some reason I felt like I needed to hear more context directly instead of just rumors. I think part of me needed confirmation that my instincts weren’t wrong.

There’s also a possibility he may be involved with hard drugs or dealing with deeper personal issues, and if that’s true, it honestly makes me sad more than anything else. But I’ve realized I can care about what happened to someone while still recognizing that it’s healthier to let go and protect my own peace.

Right now I think I’m feeling a mix of relief, sadness, closure, and fear all at once.