Ghosty

I don’t dream often. I think I get one about two-three times a year.

I think it’s due to my abnormal sleep habits. I don’t sleep well, never have. It sucks, I can’t remember the last time I felt well rested.

The dreams I have aren’t nightmares. I don’t wake up in fear. I wake up with a dull ache in my chest.

I can daydream, have been doing that since I was little. I can get easily lost in my own mind. Another reason why I struggle to sleep.

Daydreams are mean. Or I am mean to myself. I can dictate the daydreaming, can thrust myself into a scenario that feels real, but never happened.

I struggle with that sometimes, when the daydream and real life bleed together.

I know people well. I’m observant, I learn people. A tough childhood taught me to always be wary, always watch and predict.

If I run over different scenarios in my head, overthink ever detail, at least I’ll be prepared. Doesn’t matter if it hurts, if it feels real. It might come in hand eventually.

I wish I did have a nightmare or two though. Just so I can feel alive, human.

I’m doing better, don’t get me wrong. I’m managing the depression better, trying to do more things with my life, trying to be healthier.

I know that I’ll always be depressed, but I don’t want it to be who I am.

But now, I’m lost. I can’t remember my childhood, my teens are just a jumbled mess of memories. ***, I can remember most of 2025.

That makes me feel adrift, lost, stranded. I know it’s my brains way of protecting but I need it to stop. I wanna remember the bad times, the good times and all of the in between.

I wanna feel like I’m here. Present and not a ghost.

Idk