Idek

I'm a strange person, an anomaly amongst most people, so it doesn't surprise me when people block me out of the blue, nor when people don't talk to me for weeks at a time.

It used to, I used to agonise over it when I was a child. Yet now it's normal, a reoccurring situation that no longer bothers me.

I'm weird. I have a constant roulette of hair, piercings adorn my face and I have enough personalities to adapt to any type of person. I'm likeable yet odd.

It takes months for the masks to slip, for myself to seep out from behind the walls i've built. Bit's and pieces of myself are revealed and then people leave.

Never do I hate them, nor seek to bring them pain. I accepted it as a possibility, maybe even an inevitable ending when I first met them. I'm far too accustomed to it, maybe I should be worried.

I'm not sure if I enjoy being alone or if i'm just used to it. I seek people out, desperate for human connection. Yet I seek loneliness when they get too close, when my mind is filled with them.

I know logically that I have years of trauma working against me, affecting my mind and actions. I never allow it to turn me mean though.

I don't know what I'm rambling on about honestly. I'm tired. But yeah.