Idek what this is just tw ig

I am a logical person.

I have feelings, thoughts but I rarely act on them. I act based on logical thinking, logical reasons. Most of the time.

I fully understand who I am, can go into full detail and explain why I am the way I am. It's interesting if I do say so myself. Sometimes i'm impulsive but rarely. Usually I overthink everything before doing anything. I can have multiple versions of a conversation with my mind before it even exists.

Yet I'm well known for being brutally honest, harsh and having no brain to mouth filter. In reality, half of the conversations I've had have already been scripted in my head, the other half, i haven't been able to prepare for so I go to my default. Honesty.

I make choices that hurt but I know they're necessary. Maybe it hurts in the moment, maybe it hurts others in the moment, but in the long-term, it's usually the right choice.

I argue a lot, i'm rather stubborn and have my own moralities. I'm a complex person, but most people are. I would love to study myself but unfortunately i'm biased. I already know everything about myself but I also am great at ignoring things.

I have so many issues, so many defaults and so I ignore it, I go with logic. I wish I didn't. I wish I just lived in the moment, put myself first for once. I have done before but it never turns out well.

Someone called me selfish once. I laughed. I'm not a selfish person, sure, I have routines that I won't change, I'm particular about things. I won't eat certain foods, I don't like receiving gifts because I never know how to react, even if it is a good gift.

I'm particular and a little odd but i'm not selfish. Labelling me as selfish is laughable, outrageous, stupid. I give so much all of the time and never ask for anything in return. I put others before me, over and over again because I know that it's worth it.

I don't have any dreams nor ambitions. I never feel happy or satisfied when I help others achieve their own. It feels like it's my responsibility. If I'm going to waste my life, I may as well help others live their own.

It's not like I haven't tried to live my own by the way. It's just hard when you haven't felt an inch of happiness for a decade. I'm only 19.

Some people call me a psychopath. I don't think I am. I mean, yes, I struggle to feel empathy for people who I don't care about. I mean, I struggle to feel love in general and I don't feel happiness regardless of what situation i'm in.

I'm depressed, I think. I mean, it makes the most sense. It runs through my family and my life hasn't exactly been peachy. Yet i've never been to a doctor, despite many recommendations too. I don't like the idea of relying on medication to live.

Yes, i'm aware that it's normal nowadays. That medication just balances you out and all that stuff. I wanna live because I desire it. Because I have something to chase, a goal, dream, a passion.

I don't want my life to be meaningless. I don't want to spend everyday just simply surviving. I didn't wanna drop out of college, I don't want to work meaningless jobs. Yet here I am.

I did drop out of college for good reasons though. I think. I don't know anymore.

Anyways, imo go. I'm exhausted lol.

Cya