Idk

Sometimes all I want to do is push.

I want to push myself harder. I wanna see my limits, see what breaks me because I have the time so why not. I'll run myself ragged for months and not even notice until i'm sat in the aftermath. Yet, I still think that I could've done more, could've pushed myself further.

I think, the worst time was went I tried collage a second time. It was about a 40 minute bus drive, 5 days a week. I'd be up at 7am, collage, get on the bus at 4:30, go straight to work.

I worked 6-7 days a week, about 25-30 hours a week. I went to collage, the whole collage process being 7am-5:15pm.

I stopped sleeping properly, I found myself sleeping on the bus, during classes, during lunch, free periods. I've never been able to sleep outside of my bed but I did during that time. I couldn't eat, every time I did, I'd throw up. Meals got less n less because I hate throwing up.

It wasn't till I tried to off myself did I figure it out. I was so angry as myself, for not being good enough. For not being able to push through it, not being able to stick it out. I think i'll always be angry at myself for it.

I want to push people away. Isolate myself in my depression. I already have, I don't talk to people about my problems, every person I talk to is just a surface level relationship. Three friends, and *** family.

I'm alone but I think I always have been. I've had periods of my life where i'm surrounded by people, yet no one knew. No one knew the pain I was in, no one noticed or asked. I was always alone, i'm used it mostly. However, the feeling crawls out of its cage every now and then and chokes me.

I don't know how to change that.

I want to push my mother. I want answers. I want to know every detail of my childhood, I can't remember it. I want to understand where it went all wrong, or if it was always wrong.

I want to ask why she hates me. I know that she loves her child, but she doesn't love me. All I wanna do is understand why.

Why did she decide I can handle things on my own when I was just a child? Why didn't she pay attention to me just once and notice me? Notice how much pain I was in? Why didn't she notice I was hurting myself? Why didn't she notice I was constantly thinking about dying? Why didn't she notice that she broke me?

That every part of me that was me, changed because of her. That she's changed me in ways that make me drive myself crazy.

I want to push myself to forgive and forget. I do, on the surface. I cant count the amount of times a person has hurt me and i've forgiven and left it. Yet the feelings brew in my chest and knit themselves into my core. The memories sear into my brain, into my soul until I feel like i'm carrying them everywhere. The words? God the words are replayed in my head, analysed, dissected and I make myself believe that they're true. I understand why they were said and I agree.

I push. I push and I push but never pull. I love the people around me, I push them to be better, to do what they love but never pull. I never ask for them to love me, never ask them to stay, never ask them to care or notice. I'm there, I'm loyal but I never expect anyone else to be.

I'm a good person. I'm alone, stumbling and drowning and yet not moving. But i'm a good person.