I’dk

Everyone has those moments right?

Where you just stop? Brain going a million miles per hour but your body is frozen in place.

When I was younger, I would sit in the corner of my room or in the window and just silently cry. I’m older now, I struggle to cry. I just shove on my angsty music and stare at the ceiling. Sometimes I fall asleep, sometimes I don’t.

I know people say listening to angsty music doesn’t help but it does for me. I love the softness of Midwest emo music, or indie music. It’s not harsh or aggressive, just quiet, peaceful.

Usually I’m not processing the lyrics, I just listen to keep the buzz in my head manageable, to be able to concentrate on whatever I’m doing. It’s rare to see me without music nearby, I’ve always got headphones on outside of my room.

Yet when I’m feeling like sh-t, I listen to the lyrics and feel seen. All the emotions that are gathered in my chest are recognised and I feel less crazy for the thoughts in my head. It’s nice, comforting.

I wish I actually could stop though yk? Like, have just true quiet and feel comfortable in it. Without music I’m weird, different even though my brain is providing more than enough noise.

I learnt that not everyone’s brains is like that a long time ago lol. I’m fairly used to it but there are times where I just wish it would stop.

Then there’s the fact that I can be absolutely wired sometimes. Won’t stay still, can’t concentrate and I’ll be everywhere but nowhere. Really good for work, I get a lot done but start being annoying asf when I run out of things to do.

Then there’s the overstimulation, when my own voice gets on my nerves. Lights are too bright, music too loud, life too much. That leads to hours of doomscrolling.

In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter. I don’t matter. I still try.

I was raised to give not take. I resent my mother for that but what can you do? So I just give and let people take and take. And yeah, it makes a difference.

There’s less of me to take now, I’m too tied up. Family, old friends, current friends. Ex’s, work. Each party has a piece of me that they’ve taken, parts that they’re still taking. It’s draining.

I used to be social, now I prefer to stay at home. I used to love my job but now I struggle with deciding if I hate or love it. I love my family but I resent them.

I’m less than I was before. I used to be bleeding outside of the box, now I politely contain it. I look funny and weird but I can tailor myself to fit. I’m everything you need but nothing you want.

I’m alone, a stranger in my own life. Just a jumble of pieces that have stayed with me. The sadness, the depression, the anger, the tiredness, emptiness.

I’m so *** due a crash out my lord.