Idk yapping

If I lost my memory, but remembered everyone I’d ever met. Not like details, just their name and our relationship.

I’d ask my ex who am I.

Not that I’d want to be the person I am today. Sure, I’m a good person, thats apart of me that I actually value. I could be an awful person, I have enough reasons to justify it but I’m not.

My ex could tell me the most about who I am though. Which is depressing because we haven’t spoken since Christmas, haven’t had a real conversation in about a year.

I have a friend’s who could tell me who I was 5 years ago. Trauma bonding and all that. Yet they don’t know me now, which is a sad thought.

My ex could tell you the simple things. My favourite colour, animal, what kinda place and house I want to live in. She could also tell you what I’m afraid of, what keeps me up at night, when it all started to go wrong for me.

She’d be able to tell you that I spiral, a lot but I never burden others with it. I isolate myself but you’d never notice becuase I’m still there with a smile plastered on my face.

She’d be able to tell me who I am with ease and that’s terrifying. We broke up about a year and a half ago, stopped having real, honest conversations after that and then just stopped talking. She moved on and I’m telling a bunch of strangers that she’s the only person who saw enough value in me to learn about me.

I bet she remembers too becuase she was always the one who’d remind me of things.

It’s also the fact that I’ve been alone for over a year and I’m usually not fussed by it. I actually enjoy it in a way, less stress, less people who need me.

Yet I also long for that sort of companionship again. Contradicting feelings. But idk if I just want her or just someone.