I miss people

I don’t really have any friends. I don’t know if I like it that way or not?

I used to have loads back in high school. I’d move from friend group to friend group somedays. I wasn’t one of the popular kids but I was someone who knew a lot of people.

I wouldn’t hang out with them outside of school though so I guess they weren’t really friends.

I had a friend group I was closest to. My ex’s friends really? Though she was more best friend than ex, we ended on great terms.

I cherish every friendship I’ve ever had. Even if they weren’t healthy, even if it didn’t end well.

I had a couple of online friends too. See, when I was younger, I’d help a lot of people out with their mental health. I think I did a good job.

The only two people I still talk to from back then aren’t really friends anymore? Nez lives in a different country. Has a sh-t tonne of problems but we’ve always just vented to each other.

She doesn’t reply anymore, only on occasion. Which is yk, it’s fine. She has a life. I’m not that important.

Then there’s G who I actually didn’t get along with at first but we’ve been friends for almost 6 years, known him for 8. We hung out a lot outside of school, not so much inside of school. I was friends with his friends but not super close.

He doesn’t talk to me much anymore either. Moved for uni, got engaged. I’m really happy for him, but I miss him a lot.

Then there’s other people, people who I miss all of the time but can’t get into contact with. Or I’m just too scared too.

Like K. K and I didn’t even mean to be friends?? We went to the same college and one of my kinda friends found her alone and dragged her along to our little group.

Honestly, the fact that we just clicked straight away still shocks me to this day. We were very different people but also not really.

K was actually a really good person to have in my life. She understood that somedays I just wanted quiet. I didn’t or just couldn’t talk and I’d wanna be left alone. She never did.

I’d be hiding out somewhere, doing homework or finishing classwork cuz doing it at college always was easier than doing it at home. Headphones in, organised mess on the table. She’d always sit across from me, never next to me. Would let me move my things to accommodate her and we’d just work in silence.

I’ve always appreciated the small things. She always did stuff like that though and it meant a lot. Then I snapped at one of our friends WHICH I STILL CLAIM WAS 100% JUSTIFIABLE.

So it was the friend not friend who introduced us right? And we hung out sometimes cuz we ran in the same circles. The friend was kinda iffy with me in the first place cuz I ‘stole her friend’, which btw is a crazy thing for a 16/17 year old to say. Like what are u 5??

Anyways, so T (the friend not friend) was complaining cuz her parents paid for her and her brother to get their drivers license right? Then they brought them both a car and her’s wasn’t in the colour she wanted but her brothers was.

And i’m sorry, but cmon. I’m an honest person, very direct. So I told her she was being spoilt and she should be grateful cuz not only did her parents pay for her lessons but also paid for her car.

Again, I don’t think I was in the wrong here??? Like i’m not wrong?? But then T kinda lost her ***. Told a bunch of bs about me and. Then well I had no friends not even k.

That suckeddddd. Hard. Like, I was already struggling cuz yk depression, bad home life, the whole shebang. But then I lost my only support system ha. College also sucked cuz of homophobia n stuff but yeah.

I eventually dropped out but I miss K. A lot which sucks.

I hate that I miss people??? Like, I even miss the bad friends which is crazy but they all had an impact on my life.

I’m also like, realllly lonely rn. I’m aware it’s my own doing but that doesn’t make it suck any less. I tell people that I just don’t like people so I keep to just a couple of friends. It’s a lie. I mean, no, I generally don’t like people.

I’m socially awkward and I find it hard to make friends. BUT once I have a friend I love it!! It’s great. I like socialising every now and then. Idk man. I’m feeling sad and lonely and I miss people.