I'm really alone lol

I'm really *** alone.

Like i'm 19. I don't go to uni or college or anything.

I have a friend who I talk to about once a month, they moved for uni about a year ago. I've offered to go down but I just get brushed off which sucks.

Idk how to make friends either, i'm socially awkward as ***.

My family sucks. My older sister lives miles away but whenever we do talk she just makes me feel like absolute ***.

Me and my other siblings don't really talk.

My mum, god. I still live at home and everything is good. We talk all the time, she even works part time at my job.

It works because we ignore it all. Ignore the horrors from my childhood unless my mum is in need of some therapy from me. Her *** child. I shut up when she's being rude or offensive. I skirt around conversations that can get too dicey. We argue about once a year, massive argument, then a week or two of silence then we pretend nothing happened.

But she hates me. Which is a crazy thing to say about the women who raised me but she does. She loves her children, but not who I am as a person. She loves the perfected version of me, the one that ignores everything. The one that used to do whatever she asked, who blindly took whatever path she wished.

I'm still a good child. I buy her gifts all of the time, flowers too. I take her out for lunch, drinks. I support her financially, pay my rent. I also pay her phone bills too. I buy all of my own food, pay for my own streaming services, i've been doing this since I was 16.

But i'm me now. More authenticated. Sure, I'm still ignoring all the ***, all the things that we probably should talk about but can't. I'm still careful with my words and actions, tiptoeing around the house.

But I dropped out of college, twice, I dye my hair, got a *** tonne of facial piercings. I'm a bit odd, bit weird but i'm me. And she hates it. I know she does because it's in her actions and her words.

The other week she said 'I love my kids' and never have I heard it been said with so little pride. So little meaning behind those words. Of course she loves her children, but does she love them as people? No. I don't think she does.

I'm obsessing over it. I know I am but God. I'm so *** alone. I can feel it like a weight on my chest and idk how to fix it.

I've always been alone. You'd think i'd be used to it by now but i'm not. I don't think I ever will be.

I see people my age, going out, having fun. Here I am, stressing about bills and my mother's spending habits. I just want to be normal.

I wanna be happy. I wanna get out of the house for something other than work or errands. I wanna be able to go out with another person instead of alone.