I’m spiralling constantly

My current hyperfixation is 9-1-1

There’s this character Evan Buckley or Buck.

He’s not loved, or well. He’ll never be loved properly, truly.

His parents resent him for not saving their first born. The show gave them a redemption arc but it’ll always be there.

Years of emotional neglect, trauma. You don’t forget that. I don’t think you truly forgive them for it either.

Not really. They’re your parents, instead of caring for you, loving you, they gave you a lifetime of trauma.

I’ve spent years comparing my family to others. I remember being weirded out becuase my friends sat down at a dinner table with their family every night.

You can’t forgive and forget.

Then you have his sister, Maddie. She raised him, gave up most her childhood for him. But she left him, didn’t leave with him and she had reasons, but he didn’t know them. She hid their dead brother from him. She left him again, again with good reason but still.

She loves him, that’s easy to see but that won’t make it easier to believe that he’s not easy to leave. Imagine being constantly worried that everyone around you is going to abandon you.

My older sister left a long time ago. I never resented her for leaving, I encouraged it. I resent her for the lack of texts and calls. I resent her for only contacting me when she wants something.

I resent her for not being on my side.

Then you have Bobby. Buck’s father figure, the man who was there for him more than his actual parents. Even Buck’s dad recognised it.

Bobby died. No coming back from the dead. Buck lost the person who guided him, took care of him. Bobby loved Buck like he was his son, and Buck lost him.

I don’t have anyone like that. My boss is a contender but not really. Some days I would say that he cares about me, others I know he doesn’t. It’s complicated.

Then you have Buck and Eddie (Buddie). Two best friends, who are meant to be more but never will be.

Buck will never risk his relationship with Eddie, he loves him too much. He’s too scared that Eddie would leave. Eddie will never let himself love Buck because of catholic guilt and the fear of failing, of messing up.

I’m not the type to ship characters. I love cheering on cannon couples, but this is something else. The writers have written them in a way that shows their love, that it’s real and authentic and honest. Yet it’s not going to happen, even if thousands of people want it to.

It’s sad. You can have the perfect person in your life, a person you know that you’ll love for the rest of your life but you can’t because the circumstances.

I love someone like that. They’re not in my life anymore, I still love them. I can go on dates, I can distract myself by focusing on characters that don’t exist but that love does. It will always be there and I can’t do anything about it.

I’m not unlovable. I feel like I am but I’m not. I look at my life, past and present and I feel unlovable because no one’s ever shown me different.

I don’t even love myself.