I m t i r e d l o l

‘Any break up song is about a parent if they hated you enough’

I doomscroll a lot. I don’t really have a life, so me and tik tok are an unhealthy match.

it can be interesting tbh, learn lots of facts n sh-t. Then you get deep and it’s like oh sh-t.

I know it’s bad for my mh, probably anyways. Does that stop me, no. It’s hours of being able to zone out and let time pass.

This was a comment on the new ‘picking petals’ song. If you haven’t heard it yet, look it up on tik tok. It comes out today or tmmr and I cannot wait to play it on repeat until I get tired of it.

Well, maybe. Some songs are often overproduced. I like when songs are like, emotional? I guess. Just raw, honest.

Anyways, I’m getting off track, what’s new. This comment is crazy. Mental. Insane.

Dude was thinking deep and dark when he wrote that and had no concerns for my mental wellbeing or safety because they’re so right.

I have one awful parent whom I have blocked after only meeting him 2-3 times, then my mentally abusive, inconsiderate, neglectful mother.

I am 19 now, so my sucky parents affect me less but my childhood don’t.

‘I’m crying on my mama’s floor’

Uh insane, like genuinely crazy. Now, I personally have never in my life cried on my mother’s floor. I think I’ve cried in front of her like twice in the past 5 years. But damn, I wanted to cry about my dad so much when I was younger it was crazy but I knew my mum would always be her about it. Thats never a good thing, it would be ‘suck it up’ or ‘i told you so’ or ‘get over it’. Like uh yeah okay lemme just get over the fact that my dad, the person who helped create my life, wants nothing to do with me and hates me. Sure yeah OFC OFC easy.

‘I’m craving you to change for me’

What a line, LIKE DUDE. WHAT? Are you trying to make me cry. Like cmon, anyone with bad parents want them to change for them right? They want to be a good enough reason for their parents to be better. They should be, your child should be a good enough reason. Are they though? Rarely. I wish my mother would’ve learnt to just be a loving mother. Sure, I got the basics but thats with a side of trauma and deep self hatred. I mean, my dad’s schizophrenic so at least he has somewhat of a plausible excuse, not that it’s good enough but still. He just wasn’t present in my life and when I gave him the opportunity to be, he didn’t want to be.

I’ll never know why though and that’s what bothers me. He loves my older sister, even if she refuses to talk to him because of me (I think she’s full of it but I have no proof). I just never got why I was different. I wish I could change that, wish I could be enough for him to love me. I know it’s not my fault he doesn’t but 🤷‍♂️

‘But my heart it hurts for you’

This can have multiple meanings.

I see happy families all the time and I crave that. I get jealous when I see it because I never had that. I never will have that. I want a mum who I can talk to about anything and not be terrified, not have to lie or second guess everything I say. I want a dad who teaches me how to fix a car, do other dude things. I want a happy loving family but I’m never gonna get it and that sucks.

I also feel bad for them. Which is stupid becuase they’ve hurt me but I know them. My mum had a really rough life, sucky childhood, my dad was ptsd (she’s diagnosed), her second husband left her for another woman. She’s had it rough, really rough so I feel bad for her all the time. She didn’t deserve it, she’s a good person, deep down. Maybe she’s not a good mother, but she didn’t deserve it.

My dad is complicated. I know him less than I know my mother but I think I understand him more. He got schizophrenia after my older sister was born, feel off a ladder and hit his head. The hallucinations meant he wouldn’t take his meds and it’s a whole thing. He’s engaged now, has a kid (Stalked him on *** hush) and he seems to be doing better. He’s not a good person, but he didn’t deserve that. I feel bad for him, even if I hate him.

‘I just cannot give you what you need’

My mum had kids to prove a point thats she’s better than her own mother. She is, I’ll give her that. That meant that most of my childhood was just ‘do better’. Now I have ridiculously high expectations for myseld and I’m reaching non of them cuz I’m insanely mentally ill and didn’t think I’d last this long so I had no long term plans so now I’m 19 and failing by the standards that my mother spent years forcing upon me. I’m not the kid you brag about, sure I can charm people and talk circles around them but I have no accomplishments. I’m literally the disappointment child, failed gifted kid.

Which sucks, but what are you gonna do?