I want someone to see me

I've forgotten most of my life. Some memories are there but I can't put them into a timeline, don't know if they're real or not. It's a trauma response, i know that it's just my brains way of protecting me.

Then there's things that I purposely ignore. I've always been good at that, shoving things aside till they bubble up and consume my every thought.

Not healthy, i'm aware but I never know what's happened until it's bubbling over.

I realised, about a week or so ago that no one actually know's me? Crazy right?

Sure, there are people who are close to knowing me. However, i've always hid parts of myself, always let small harmless lies fall from my mouth. I don't mean to, i'm just used to lying about everything.

My last ex knew a lot, more than most people do. She was kinda irritated that I didn't open up, so I tried to work on it. She knew a lot, not everything but enough to make her happy.

My close friend is the same. We've spent many nights, days just talking. Talking about easy and hard stuff. He knows a lot too, but again, not everything.

I think, what mostly got me was my family.

My sister and I used to be really close as kids but we grew apart, a natural occurrence. However, she still think she know's me? Like, no. No you really *** don't. I don't think that we've actually spoken about me in years, over time I just became a sounding board for her.

She's insistent on the fact that I wouldn't get her depression. No, it's not a competition, hence why I haven't said anything. However, I've been struggling with depression for as long as I can remember (since i was about 9/10, i'm 19 now) so I couldn't help but be taken aback by it.

She thinks I have a good relationship with my mother, that made me laugh I can't lie. I don't, I never have. My mother has always loved her children but she doesn't love me, not as a human being. She thinks i've never been in an 'actual relationship'. Me and my last ex dated for almost 2.5 years, ex's before that 6 months to a year. My last ex was someone I loved deeply, planned to live my life with her. Unfortunately things didn't go that way.

Anyways, so yeah. She has no clue who I am, though she'll always claim that she knows me better than anyone. She's clearly delusional.

Now I'd argue that my mother know's me more, not by a lot but slightly. However, she know's less than my close friend, than my ex, ***, less than anyone who reads this.

I'm a secretive person, that's how she raised me. She focused on my older sister, still does. It's fine, it doesn't bother me much anymore. Yet, it still pisses me off when she acts like she know's everything about me. When she acts like she never taught me to shut up, stay silent, deal with everything alone because my sister was sensitive.

So was I, I just never got the luxury to go crying to my mother about it. Instead I internalised all of that anger, the sadness, the loneliness and took it out on myself.

It's lonely. Isolating in every single way. I want to open up, want to be seen but it goes against every single one of my instincts.

It's funny though sometimes, when I let little things slip by accident. When they look at me wide eyed and say "I didn't know that". That's always a dangerous game though.

Once someone know's a little, they want to know more. They leave when they know more. When they realise that it's too much, that i'm more damaged and broken than I let across.

If you observe me, you can make guesses. I swing from being the life of the party to being silent. I wear headphones more often or not. I startle easily, flinch at too fast movements. I'm awkward around people I don't know, tend to prefer my own company to others.

I've had people mention it, I've steered them away, lied but God. For once I just want it to spill. I want to blurt out everything that i've been keeping inside for years and have them not leave.

I shouldn't have plans in place, i shouldn't have to lie or avoid. I shouldn't know what information makes people stop asking questions, I shouldn't know what to start with and how to lead into knowing more.

I shouldn't know what it's like when people leave. When they tell me i'm too much, not good enough. I shouldn't know what pity looks like, I shouldn't have to comfort people when they know too much about me.

It sucks. I need someone to see me, to stay when they know too much. I need someone to hug me, tell me it's okay. I need someone to not look at me with pity but love, understanding.

I'll never get it, i know that. Yet a guy can dream.