Journalling #4 (gets super duper depressing sorry!)

I'm known for being really bad with technology,

Like super bad, it's lowkey kinda concerning?

I mean, I didn't grow up with it, I wasn't an ipad kid. I was n outside kid, we had ipads (Kindles back then) but never actually used em. I've always been a really big reader though.

So my technology skills are limited, I know how to use my phone and a computer/laptop though (nothing past basics).

I'm on my phone a lot, like 10-16hrs a day and yes, I'm aware that's unhealthy but i'm depressed and have barely any interests.

I still read... fanfictions. Don't judge me okay, people write really good stuff about couples I hyperfix over.

I watch a lot of shows and movies, but struggle to finish them. I'm way too easily distracted and move onto the next thing before I finish the first one. I'm better with movies though, love watching movie series too.

I still have like 200+ books, still keep buying them and tell myself that I will read them eventually. I've read atleast 30% of them but idk? I just haven't gotten round to it which is a bad excuse because I have time but I'm actively choosing not too.

I do plan to make a goal next year to read more though. I find that I keep doing that, making goals for next year.

I'm going vegetarian in January for two reasons. One is that i'm a really fussy eater, so so fussy, so i'm hoping that this will force me to try new things, find more meals that I actually like. I have a feeling i'll be eating a lot of pasta and noodles though.

Reason two is to hopefully loose a bit of weight. I don't wanna diet because i'm not overweight, not even close. My weight has never really been something I obsess over? Like sure, my eating habits are atrocious but thats because idk what to eat or I just forget to eat. But my family have been commenting on it because although I still fit into clothes I've had since I was like 15, I've noticeably gained a bit of weight.

So I weighed myself, an awful idea. So so so bad bc i'm obsessing over it because i'm like that. So yeah, I wanna loose about a stone and a half. If the vegetarian for a month (maybe more, i'll see how it goes) doesn't help i will diet for a bit.

OH, I also hate the idea of meat and fish? Like, I refuse to eat fish because I see their lil faces and I feel really bad cuz they're just lil fishys yk? And if I think about my beef burger too much I can't eat it anymore until I forget. SO this in retrospect is a decent idea, maybe I'll go vegetarian for life, who knows??

Oh back to technology and all that. I love tik tok, sue me. I wasn't into vine okay, but tik tok is great, love it. Does it help my depression, *** nahhhh but is it great yes. It also helps like, validate my feelings sometimes?! Which is kinda nice because I don't have friends and my family sucks so i'm kinda super alone? So it's nice that strangers kinda get it? Am I making sense?

Anyways, there's this one dude, here's his tag go check him out. @the_corporal_roach_

This dude has made me cry on occasion can't lie, like duddee. I have daddy and mommy issues, this is so cute. I don't watch him regularly but somedays he'll pop up on my fyp and i'll just scroll through his acc for a bit.

Just hit me that damnnn, i've never like had someone in my life that genuinely cares?? No one ever measured my height on the door way growing up, my mum binned all the drawings and pictures I made growing up. She has a photo album of me but idk?

It's cute don't get me wrong, I appreciate it. Am I ever gonna have someone to show it to? Probs not but still it's cute. But I don't actually have any memories from my childhood and my teens are kinda a blurred mess? Like, I remember some stuff but idk if they're my memories, someone else's or just stuff I made up.

Idk, I just which I had someone who cared? Who loved me, who could just sit in a dark room with me, hold my hand and just be there. I've never had that, unconditional love and support. My mums love has always been conditional, and i've always had support her and myself so.

Which sucks. Sucks when you see your mum being a mother to her other kids and not to you. Sucks growing up knowing that you can't talk about your home life otherwise people will judge or pity you. Suckeddd going through everything I went through and having no one to talk to.

I was so angry as a kid, so angry as a teen, I still am angry. But instead of talking it out, I took it out on myself instead and I got all the scars to show it.

I know that's meant to be a badge of honour, a point of pride because I made it. I'm here and alive and I made it. But it just reminds me that I was so *** alone and still am.

God sorry this got so damn depressin.

Good night/morning folks!