Journalling #5 [the commitment woah]

'If this is love, I don't wanna be loved'

I've never felt like that before? By the time that I realise that any relationship is bad, I'm in too deep to leave. I care too much, love them too much so I stay despite everything.

They end up leaving anyways. Which is sad right? Ha. I let people use me, break me and then I let them leave with a piece of me.

Now i'm kinda just a collection of memories, a ghost of a person. I am a person though, I have a functioning body. I have relationships, not all good, not all bad. I'm a person, I laugh, smile, joke around. I have feelings, a lot of them but none of them at the same time.

I don't feel like a person most days. I'm not me, I know that but I also have no clue who 'me' is. I'm stitched together with thread others have given me. Moulded in ways that please everybody.

I know how to get all eyes on me, but I know how to make them not see closer. I put on theatrics, make my personality loud so no one notices the cracks. I can be whoever you want me to be though. You need me to be quiet, got it. Need me to be loud, got it.

I'm caring and loyal but I know when to back up. I'm flexible, don't care what we do as long as you're happy. It's easier than admitting that nothing I do is going to be happy, so at least I can be useful and improve someone else's day.

Sure I look different, a little bit funny but it doesn't matter. People start off by staring, judging but then I talk. I always know exactly what to say, how to act in order to get someone to like me. A faux confidence and a bright smile really goes a long way.

I know that i'm not me though, i'm different versions of different people. I've learnt over time that no one really cares. No one wants to know that my favourite colour is blue, more of a cyan blue though, no one cares that they don't know me, just a mask thats been carefully crafted.

It's easy. The person under that is messy. A string of loss identity, a long history of problems and corruption.

I wish it mattered less to me.

I'm sad today but I guess thats better than feeling that emptiness. I'm tired but can't sleep. Hungry but really don't wanna eat. I feel like crying too but i'm too tired.

Bad day. All days are bad days though, but today's just a little worse than the others.

Anyways, i've got some staring at walls and ceilings to do so imo leave this here.

Have a good day/night