Journalling #6? {Christmas sucks}

I'm choking. Not literally obviously otherwise I wouldn't be here logging in another journal.

I can't write, anything I do write is sloppy, unfinished and just poorly written.

I write a lot usually. I love writing poems, love putting emotions behind words. I love how it can mean something to me, tell a story but also tell a different story to someone else.

I love the way I feel slightly lighter afterwards, like my brains slightly more organised.

I love writing. That's a fact, I've loved it for years but I can't write anything.

It sucks. I suck. God

I'm having a bad day but different flavour this time. I cleaned, like deep cleaned, dyed and cut my hair. I went out, stocked up on food for the next week or so. I was productive to keep myself busy.

I'm never productive. I go to work, i clean my room like once every two-three weeks and call it a day.

Now I feel like i'm buzzing out of my skin, like there's a raging feeling in my chest and I can't explain it.

Maybe it's nerves, stress. Christmas is never a good time, always filled with arguments, anxiety, stress.

Usually it doesn't start till about the 22nd though, just before anyone comes into the house.

I like routine, no I love it.

I'm specific about a lot of things, I don't like people in my space and my family are just. A lot.

I still live at home w my younger brother and mother but we all have our own spaces and keep to them.

My older and younger sister and older brother (21&17&24) don't live at home, haven't for about 2-3 years. Blissful honestly, we don't all get along.

I'm kinda the black-sheep of the family? Always have been, always will be. I have no clue why though honestly.

Anyways, it not only disrupts my home life but also my work schedule and honestly i'm dreading it already.

I hate it, all of it. I like routine, I love my routine and I hate Christmas. I hate getting gifts, I never have the right reactions and I don't like all of the attention. I hate giving gifts because I stress myself silly over the gift and if they're gonna like it or not and it's not worth the stress honestly.

I hate eating in front of other people. I'm a fussy eater, have a lot of things and feelings towards food in general and I always feel like people are watching, judging. Knowing my family, they probably are.

I also hate watching other people eat, or listening. Like ew, no please stop.

So imo be getting drunk, not too drunk bc that's when I get a litttleee bit too honest. But drunk enough that i'll have a good buzz going and things will matter less.

Which is yes I know, depressing but it worked last year and it will work this year.

People are gonna be in my space, disrupting my routines, my life and I need to suck it up. I need to be okay with it.

My mother, brother and I do already have a list of rules and boundaries though. (My older sister lives in Whales (uni) so she's only down about twice a year. If you met her, you'd understand the need for boundaries). Here is my list.

1. Don't touch any food in the fridge or freezer which is mine, (it will be labelled) I have meal plans for the next week n a half and if you use smth then that ruins my meal for the day and I will proceed to skip it. (i eat about 2 meals a day, 1 or 0 if it's ruined)

2. Just because you're sleeping in my room, doesn't make it your room. Keep it clean, wear headphones. Knock if the door is fully shut (I haven't gotten around to getting a door lock), you can barge right in if it's slightly open.

3. No mentions of my future, positive or negative. No mentions of my current job unless it's positive.

4. No waking me up. None, nothing. I don't like being woken up, it puts me off my entire day.

I know that these are fairly normal rules. Will she follow them? Probably not. Will I shout? Hopefully not!

Anywayss,

Imo crash.

Have a good day/night :)