Journalling #7??

People have wanted to help me before.

I used to give in, tell them what they thought they wanted to hear. They never want to hear it.

I made a system though, back when I had people I was close too. I'd tell one person a few bits, another person other bits. I'd lie about somethings, keep most things to myself. I'd give enough for them to back off, to stop asking.

I get it, it's human nature to be curious. But i've been there, done that. Opening up? Fully, all the way, it doesn't turn out well. It's fine, I get it.

I wouldn't take it back. Everything i've been through, I wouldn't take it back. Maybe i'd like to go back to when I was maybe 8-9? Try to seek help for myself while I was young but other than that i'd keep it all the same.

Yeah i'm fairly traumatised, yeah I have a lot of issues, lots of odd habits. But I can talk to people. I struggle with empathy, you tell me your dog died and I won't know what to say. I'll say sorry but other than that i'm stuck. I don't know how to comfort? I know how to give advice, how to try to fix things. I'm good at just being there, listening, doing whatever. I just can't do the whole try to cheer you up part.

But I can sympathise with people more because i've been through a lot and 9 times out of 10 I can give really good advice. I've helped a lot of people, i'm grateful that I can do that.

I guess it makes everything I've been through seem worth it? Adds a good spin to it. I'm not helping much anymore, too stuck in my own head but I know that I will be able to eventually.

It sucks though not being the person seeking the help? Not being able to. I need therapy, I know that. I need hella intensive therapy and some diagnoses and meds because damn. I won't though.

I hate doctors, all types. Hate doctor appointments, I haven't been in around two years. Hate hospitals, not been in about two-ish years now. It just, calling up? Scheduling, waiting for the appointment, going to the appointment. The whole thing just causes so much anxiety that it feels like it's crawling up into my throat and choking me.

Not fun at all so I just don't go. I know I should but I just I can't? I don't have anyone to do it for me either so i'm stuck in the 'I need to go but I can't do it alone' phase'.

I think i'll be stuck in this phase for the next few years honestly.

Also, the thought of talking to someone, in person? About my issues? Bleh. No, makes me nauseous. I'd mainly wanna use it to figure out ways to feel better throughout the day, learn different methods n stuff but I can just do a deep dive on google.

I miss that. I can't lie. Being motivated enough to do work? I miss high school, college. I think I miss being busy, miss having my brain worked. Kinda depressing but i'll figure it out eventually. I just need something yk?

Something to motivate me to do more than exist. That seems to be a pretty big ask though.

Anyways, this is my 'I can't sleep ramble'. Thanks for reading.

Have a good day/night!