Just a open space
Well so, this is just a space for idk what lol.. I just wanna write some things and it's better to do it here where no is actually told to listen.. so, if anyone wanna read and reply.. you can do that, I don't mind it. I don't know for how long I will even continue this but whatever and for introduction.. I am 20 years old, from India, I got no social life so you are just going to hear a rant about loneliness.
Okay so this journal is of 4th June though.. so, it was just a okayish day as usual.. I woke up and got my breakfast.. i didn't go to gym today though as my brother was too tired to go and the weather was getting bad.. so I just decided to not go, then I just sat in that fast winds and watched a series...that was fun, then I just watched series and all.. then I arranged few of my books.. I didn't do anything productive but I got my account ready now I can work tommorow and submit that.. let's see how that works, I don't have much hope.. yeah, so have to work tomorrow.. then I talked to a few people here late at night.. then in a conversation there were many triggers about my breakup but it didn't affect me much this time.. I guess I am finally moving on too, then it was another trigger which completely made me feel very bad. So, I ended the conversation then.. and yeah then I wrote about that running and writing that felt kinda peaceful like I was atleast accepting of what I am.. yeah so that's it, now I will sleep it's 5 am.
Should I just isolate again, I just feel bad if I try to talk. I feel like I am just forcing it. Not everytime obviously. But isolation isn't the solution but do I even have a solution. Maybe, I am just and meant to be stuck like this. I don't wanna isolate but I guess I just don't have any options do I. Not for now atleast
I think it's like a big part of mind is just buried.. it's a part that I don't want to look at, it's a part that keeps me scared, it's the part that doesn't let my mind rest even while sleeping because my mind is just protecting myself to look at it.. is it some trauma? What is it that I am so afraid to remember, I really don't want to remember but I need it to go away.. I can't stop, I hate it all... I just want to quit doing everything, I don't like anything anymore.. i don't like it here as well, I am just so lost..
@aTinyDroplet okay yeah I definitely feel better when I don't try to talk to people.. maybe just talking to these people just make me disappointed, I don't even like talking to them mostly.. idk what to make out of it but I feel lonely and only isolation is something that helps it to not go intense.. I don't know what to do, what's the way that will make me happy again... I am just stuck in the middle, from okay to not okay.. how can I from okay to happy
Okay so yeah, I am just going to isolate even more.. well, I tried my best not my best but the best I could give but these people doesn't care anyways and yeah I don't do too.. so idk what's the fkin point, I should just be alone and try to make sense out of things and just survive till I can, even live for some moments
@aTinyDroplet
Heyy! I m also from india from how much I have read your entries maybe u isolate because talking with people feels like u are forcing them to talk or it doesn't feel good. Maybe u haven't found your kind of people. People with whom u actually feel like they are listening and feel better! Tho I can understand how much frausting it is, when u don't want to isolate yourself but that seems like the only option left! Ik it won't matter much but still i would say u matter 🫶🏻
@bobaa13 oh Thankk you for reading all this stupid rants and replying to that, it means alot... yess, you get it! Yeah I guess that's true that I haven't found my people, it's just upto them now though.. I am not going to initiate a conversation myself.. Thankk youu for that 🤍
@aTinyDroplet u don't have to thank me really! Yess andd i really hope u find them really soon! Yeah I mean u find the best people at the most unexpected time so definitely u will find themm too ! 🫶🏻
@aTinyDroplet okay I guess it's not okay phase again.. whatever, I am not going to care about how I feel anymore. Yeah, I don't feel good. It's loneliness that just gets worse and makes me lose my progress but I will just not do anything about it.. it hurts, it hurts alot.. it makes me feel desperate for a connection, I hate that.. I don't want to talk to anyone anymore
@aTinyDroplet it always hits this late and I feel like just crying it all out but I don't even know how to cry anymore
Why is it that I just want to cry so badly but I don't even have a reason to do it. But I just want to do it, I want to let it all out. I am not even able to sleep and when I do sleep it's just my mind is still active. I need rest and my brain to stop once. I am just so tired
Okay I don't feel as bad as I did last night, idk maybe I should stick to this isolation. I don't like most of the people anyways
@aTinyDroplet
You don't need to isolate yourself from people who are supportive either yet I understand when you say you don't like most people because it might be the result of being invalidated and judged for a very long time right?
@yasmineishere I guess yeah, well I don't blame them. I am not like most of them and my paths have been very different, I don't hate most of the people. I just don't like most of them. Isolation isn't a bad thing that can happen whereas if a connection breaks that is more bad for me
