Just a open space
Well so, this is just a space for idk what lol.. I just wanna write some things and it's better to do it here where no is actually told to listen.. so, if anyone wanna read and reply.. you can do that, I don't mind it. I don't know for how long I will even continue this but whatever and for introduction.. I am 20 years old, from India, I got no social life so you are just going to hear a rant about loneliness.
It's 4:55 AM June 17.
I let my loneliness and depression take over me. I have alot to say it's like somehow my mind just stops me from saying it.. ahhhfhdbdhdjdhw fuvkkkkkk.. it gives me an headache if I say it out loud, I kjstdjd just am so angry.. I just want to scream break things or get punched or punch someone ejrjdj ah nfkfkfkdmdmd stopp.. okay well whatever ,so I lost and I give up on getting better. I might journal or not, idk...yeah, now I just let depression consume me. I tried my best.
So, hey. I haven't journalled in a while. Actually, I am just so messed up to do so. I am just very tired, I don't even want to journal actually but I thought I should do it for I don't know what reason. I watched some song videos and I thinked alot. Or I did not, I just did not do anything. Like, I was just very tired to even use my phone so I just closed my eyes and just did nothing. Then I went to gym, after my workout when I left the gym I played the song "what about me" by rex orange county. I just remember all the lyrics, it just happened on it's own. On the staircase I started singing it then I came down and a dog came near me and started waging it's tail. Then I tried to pat him but he got scared. Then he came back again, I tried to pat him again and he liked it. I was happy, yeah it made me very happy. Then I sang so loudly while driving. I was so lost in it. Yeah, that moment lasted like 5-10 minutes and that was the best thing happened in few days. Then I came back home, suddenly I felt so tired that I just laid down. Then loneliness got intense again. It was very intense this time, I even got anxiety cause of that. Like how do I put it, in that moment it was literally I wasn't even able to get up from bed. I just felt completely no energy inside me. But still I thought to sign up for a listener after so long because I did not know what else to do. Then I did that, then the listener was very good. She actually wrote so many paras, past me would have felt good to see that. She validated my emotions too. But like I just felt nothing over it, I felt like a waste of her words. And then even the energy that was left ceased to exist. So, I just stopped the chat then and told I will reply later because I really couldn't have replied. I just was not able to even think like anything, I just ah. I am having anxiety even while writing that. It was just so intense I really could not do anything, not even have a thought. It's my brain was just completely done. Ah, I wouldn't wish this even on my worst enemy. Well, yeah that's what I wanted to actually say. Then I just left home and sat on ramp outside for a minute. Then I saw the moon, it was looking so pretty so I clicked it's pictures. It's just I have found I really am not even in a state to make a friendship. I really have no energy to even talk. I am just so damn lost. I don't know what will happen, I have just given up because I really can't even do anything at all. It's like I have completely lost control. Yeah and then two people checked in and that was very unexpected but I just feel sorry about everything. Yeah, that's it. I don't know what I will do at this point. I just have to wait and let it pass because I really can't fight against this. And yeah. I am sorry my past self.
I just feel so damn lonely, i wish I could just talk to someone I like talking to but ahh
To be honest, I don't even text to anyone but sometimes I do it anyways.. I just don't want to bother anyone.. I just wish I could be happy.. yah yand guitar, I want to learn that.. I am learning it yes.. I want to play so many songs I like and sing alongside it.. maybe even post a video about it.. loneliness is still there but it's okayy, maybe that's how things are forme.. ah I am so sleepy, i slept for 3-4 yesterday and even today I was only able to sleep 3.5 hr but I don't want to sleep so early
And yeah it's like I am never completely free mind. It's like something is eating me up from within, I don't even know. Whenever I try to think about, my mind just stops completely.. I don't have any idea of what's happening or how to even get out from this mess. I am just my own enemy now
Maybe it's bcz u are carrying a lot of weight emotionally and everything becomes foggy the moment u try to think about it
@aTinyDroplet
@bobaa13 I see, but what's the way out of it? I am not even trying to do better about my emotions anymore but I don't like not being free
Tbh i don't know...but sometimes what helps me is I just wrote everything out or speak everything in a audio like getting everything out of my head and sometimes when I don't know what to write i just start typing and just write whenever I can even if it doesn't make any sense.. but sometimes there are no words to explain..and it depends on person some people feel better after talking to someone..some after listening to music..some just cry it all out
@aTinyDroplet
@bobaa13 isee, but that's like an escape that can work but only once in a while when it gets too much... I just want to be completely free from all this mess, I don't why do we even suffer from things for too long
Yeaahh i can get what u mean tbh but even idk that I wish there was an ans 😭..Don't know tbh maybe it's a part of life but many times it doesn't seems like that..tho i really wish u can get out of all this mess soon 🫂
@aTinyDroplet
@bobaa13 I guess it's all just our choice at the end or we just don't have enough energy to not change that because we are tired.. yup, thank you.. I hope the same for you
Yeaah you are rightt! Thank youu
@aTinyDroplet
Well, let's just practice guitar and get started on completing that book. In free time, I can watch series.. let's just stay isolated
Ah, the day has just started and I already feel kinda bad
I wish I could just not feel this loneliness but it doesn't even go away when I am talking because there's no connection. So, I just have to go through it again and again. It just never ends. What can I even do when I don't even like talking because there's no connection but that's the way to make connection.
Why do I have desire of having someone, when I just meant to be alone. God, why did you give me this desire when I was just going to be alone. Please just take it away, I am very tired.
I am just so messed up