Just a open space
Well so, this is just a space for idk what lol.. I just wanna write some things and it's better to do it here where no is actually told to listen.. so, if anyone wanna read and reply.. you can do that, I don't mind it. I don't know for how long I will even continue this but whatever and for introduction.. I am 20 years old, from India, I got no social life so you are just going to hear a rant about loneliness.
Maybe it's time for acceptance, now I do wish that it goes terribly bad for me again but this time I won't deny it. I will accept it. I will try to go all the way in past, since when everything began. I will repeat the things I did and then if I don't survive. I don't, but atleast I knew I tried my best. As they say, one has to give up everything to start living knowing nothing else is there anymore. I need to make my past self proud again, I am sure he won't like me seeing like this. He didn't have anybody too, but atleast he was happy with everything he had and he could do. Sorry my past self, I don't like how things are going and have been too. Especially, how I have been to deal with this. But please, forgive me if I still fail.
The moment I built up all the courage to face what I feared didn't face me.
Somehow, when I accept isolation I didn't feel lonely today. What I have realised is being alone is not what makes me feel lonely, it's me chasing the desire of having someone. I don't chase the desire of having someone cause of loneliness but I do it cause I am scared to be alone forever. Maybe, it's not what isolation I need to face. It's the fear of being alone forever. I need to accept that I will be just fine even if I am left alone forever like this.
Actually, truth to be told. It gets easier when you completely let go :)
I think the person is nowhere near fit to have a deep connection right now. Not cause, I would not care about the other person but because I can give more than how much I can give in this struggling phase. Seeing someone I love getting less because of my struggle will just not let me be truly happy and that will make me question many things, build another illusion.
Okay, yes. I feel it again :). The loneliness is coming back, let's embrace it.
So, I have been pushing people away now. Not cause I need space, but I just don't see any point. I just am not able to reply to anyone. Sorry people, I am just not in a right state to do that.
I actually don't feel like my head splitting and bursting into many pieces after waking up but yeah it's a lil heavy.
Well, I remember I used to still want to have someone even when I was isolating but that's not the case anymore. I don't feel that desire to much extent. It's good this way.
