Just a open space
Well so, this is just a space for idk what lol.. I just wanna write some things and it's better to do it here where no is actually told to listen.. so, if anyone wanna read and reply.. you can do that, I don't mind it. I don't know for how long I will even continue this but whatever and for introduction.. I am 20 years old, from India, I got no social life so you are just going to hear a rant about loneliness.
It's 4:55 AM June 17.
I let my loneliness and depression take over me. I have alot to say it's like somehow my mind just stops me from saying it.. ahhhfhdbdhdjdhw fuvkkkkkk.. it gives me an headache if I say it out loud, I kjstdjd just am so angry.. I just want to scream break things or get punched or punch someone ejrjdj ah nfkfkfkdmdmd stopp.. okay well whatever ,so I lost and I give up on getting better. I might journal or not, idk...yeah, now I just let depression consume me. I tried my best.
So, hey. I haven't journalled in a while. Actually, I am just so messed up to do so. I am just very tired, I don't even want to journal actually but I thought I should do it for I don't know what reason. I watched some song videos and I thinked alot. Or I did not, I just did not do anything. Like, I was just very tired to even use my phone so I just closed my eyes and just did nothing. Then I went to gym, after my workout when I left the gym I played the song "what about me" by rex orange county. I just remember all the lyrics, it just happened on it's own. On the staircase I started singing it then I came down and a dog came near me and started waging it's tail. Then I tried to pat him but he got scared. Then he came back again, I tried to pat him again and he liked it. I was happy, yeah it made me very happy. Then I sang so loudly while driving. I was so lost in it. Yeah, that moment lasted like 5-10 minutes and that was the best thing happened in few days. Then I came back home, suddenly I felt so tired that I just laid down. Then loneliness got intense again. It was very intense this time, I even got anxiety cause of that. Like how do I put it, in that moment it was literally I wasn't even able to get up from bed. I just felt completely no energy inside me. But still I thought to sign up for a listener after so long because I did not know what else to do. Then I did that, then the listener was very good. She actually wrote so many paras, past me would have felt good to see that. She validated my emotions too. But like I just felt nothing over it, I felt like a waste of her words. And then even the energy that was left ceased to exist. So, I just stopped the chat then and told I will reply later because I really couldn't have replied. I just was not able to even think like anything, I just ah. I am having anxiety even while writing that. It was just so intense I really could not do anything, not even have a thought. It's my brain was just completely done. Ah, I wouldn't wish this even on my worst enemy. Well, yeah that's what I wanted to actually say. Then I just left home and sat on ramp outside for a minute. Then I saw the moon, it was looking so pretty so I clicked it's pictures. It's just I have found I really am not even in a state to make a friendship. I really have no energy to even talk. I am just so damn lost. I don't know what will happen, I have just given up because I really can't even do anything at all. It's like I have completely lost control. Yeah and then two people checked in and that was very unexpected but I just feel sorry about everything. Yeah, that's it. I don't know what I will do at this point. I just have to wait and let it pass because I really can't fight against this. And yeah. I am sorry my past self.
I just feel so damn lonely, i wish I could just talk to someone I like talking to but ahh
To be honest, I don't even text to anyone but sometimes I do it anyways.. I just don't want to bother anyone.. I just wish I could be happy.. yah yand guitar, I want to learn that.. I am learning it yes.. I want to play so many songs I like and sing alongside it.. maybe even post a video about it.. loneliness is still there but it's okayy, maybe that's how things are forme.. ah I am so sleepy, i slept for 3-4 yesterday and even today I was only able to sleep 3.5 hr but I don't want to sleep so early
And yeah it's like I am never completely free mind. It's like something is eating me up from within, I don't even know. Whenever I try to think about, my mind just stops completely.. I don't have any idea of what's happening or how to even get out from this mess. I am just my own enemy now
Maybe it's bcz u are carrying a lot of weight emotionally and everything becomes foggy the moment u try to think about it
@aTinyDroplet
@bobaa13 I see, but what's the way out of it? I am not even trying to do better about my emotions anymore but I don't like not being free
Well, let's just practice guitar and get started on completing that book. In free time, I can watch series.. let's just stay isolated
Ah, the day has just started and I already feel kinda bad
I wish I could just not feel this loneliness but it doesn't even go away when I am talking because there's no connection. So, I just have to go through it again and again. It just never ends. What can I even do when I don't even like talking because there's no connection but that's the way to make connection.
Why do I have desire of having someone, when I just meant to be alone. God, why did you give me this desire when I was just going to be alone. Please just take it away, I am very tired.
I am just so messed up
