Life sucks

I’m terrified of love.

Romantic, platonic, familial all of it.

I care, and I miss people easily. I don’t love people easily.

I could stop talking to most of my family and never look back.

Sure I’d miss the good times, but I think they’re bad people. They try to hide it, put on a show but when you’re around people for so long you see it.

I have a strong belief in the fact that people don’t change. I think you can change your actions, but not who you are as a person, not fundamentally.

You change, small things do, as life goes on, but deep down you’ll always be the same person.

Maybe that’s a poor belief to have but it’s mine.

So no, my family aren’t good people so I don’t love them. They hurt me, constantly, in ways that are dismissive and not even thought of. In ways only family should know affect you yet mine don’t.

They’re not family, we’re all just a bunch of people with the same DNA running through our blood.

Platonic, I don’t have friends. I keep away from people because they’re never who they pretend to be.

I try to be pretty upfront and honest, I keep a lot of things hidden but personality wise, I’m myself.

A lot of people aren’t. Or they dance around it and are never upfront and it’s so confusing. I need people who just are honest, upfront but thats so hard to find.

I’d rather be alone than try. People hurt, and when you take the time to get to know them, let them in and get hurt it’s just not worth it.

I think I’m a good person.

I’m insecure, I’m depressed and hurt. I don’t make it other people’s problem. It does affect my relationships sometimes.

I don’t think I’m good enough.

I’ll buy you flowers. I’ll take you on dates, surprises or wherever you wanna go. I’ll get you things that remind me of you, big or small. I’ll talk to you constantly, about anything and nothing. I’ll take the time to learn you, to love you.

Yet I hide things. Uncertainties, times where I’m uncomfortable. I like to pretend I’m okay. That I’m a personified strength. Nothing can get me down.

I’m not. I mean yeah I don’t feel anything most of the time but when I do I feel it deeply.

Idk what I’m saying rn I’m spiralling.

Anyway there’s someone new in my life.

She’s eager. She’s funny, smart. She’s a little intense but I also haven’t really done this in a while so I have no clue. Younger than me, just a couple years but I feel way older than I am. She’s good.

I just don’t wanna drag her along if I’m not all in yk?

But I’m not sure I’m ever going to be able to be all in.