Live

I don’t ask for much.

I actually don’t really ask for anything.

I don’t have expectations or wants, just routines.

I know who the people are around me, so I always know what to expect. I know what my days are gonna be, even if i’ve not lived through them yet.

I live a very simple, very bland life.

I don’t argue, when I do it’s usually a joke or it blows over in an hour or two. When I do properly argue it’s usually over something important, like my mother not loving me because I’m trans or my boss not trusting me after years of me working there.

I’m usually a pretty chill guy but there are ways to get my anger to flare.

There’s actually lots of ways, I have a bit of an anger issue. It’s tamed now, usually the anger never even shows on my face but when I was younger I’d lash out, get into fights, that kinda stuff.

Now I swallow it because I know that it’s pointless.

You can shout and scream and cry at someone but it doesn’t matter if they don’t care. It doesn’t matter if they don’t listen.

Instead I just go with the flow. I keep my decision making to a minimum, I try to maintain the routine because that’s what keeps me going.

I want more.

Wanting more is never a good thing. It’s dangerous.

I wanted more from my ex, now she’s my ex. I still regret it, opening up and telling the truth.

It never goes right, I know that. Yet I loved her and wanted more with her, she just didn’t. That’s okay, I know that’s okay but there’s only so much a man can break.

I want to try. I want to wake up and my breathing to not feel so heavy. I want to feeling like I’m swimming instead of drowning. I want to be happy. I want to feel like my life actually means something.

I’m not asking for a lot but it feels like I am. It feels selfish, like I’m asking for the impossible.

I know it’s irrational, I know I deserve more but I don’t know how to get it? I’ve been stuck in the same endless loop for most of my life. Once it was comfortable but now it feels like I’m stuck in a trap.

I’m not worthless. I’m not nobody, no one is. I’m a person, I have four siblings, I have parents, I have a job. I have a life but I’m just not living it.

I don’t think I know how to, I don’t know how to start either.