My Journal- Do Not Read!
This is my private, personal journal. Do not read this… Please be kind and respectful of my desire for keeping this private <3 Thank you! <3
Except @Torean. @Torean has free rein in this journal <3 Maybe you can help me sort out my confusing thoughts…
The craziness of the politics these days are stressing me out…
Same. So much same. I feel like things are getting closer to getting better, but... I feel like nothing will ever truly make things better now. Soooo many places have put out travel advisory for anyone travelling here.
Am I allowed to talk to you about politics? Lol
A'course. 😊 We already agree on the points that matter anyway
Trump is destroying the country.
I know. If not the entire world. Honestly, I feel like Elon has even more to do with it. I'm not sure the world can survive this level of corruption and ignorance. All the countries that should be our allies are terrified of our government... And that's at best. It's definitely not safe for people here either. They don't bother hiding any corruption, they just bully into getting their little way... We should have held this in check a long time ago.
I wish I didn't eat to feel better... to numb myself... to make myself less bored.
Same. And it feels like any time that I manage to stop doing that, I just start getting so very hungry... All the time .. I think you mentioned that too before, didn't you?
Do you want to just make a penpal chat? We’re going to keep writing here anyway lol
Lol, probably? I haven't been in a hurry, but it's been nagging the corners of my mind. I'm occasionally thinking about how to title that...
Second Chances? <3
For sure. I think it'll be ok
I’ll let you decide <3
Dude idk how to socialize anymore XD
Heh, me too sometimes. I feel off-putting half the time
How so?
I dunno. Sometimes things go quiet after I say something. Granted, I'm usually last to join discussions, but still. What about you?
Like in person or online?
I just stay silent and don’t meet people lol
Most often it's in group text with my friends. I'm always the last one to join those convos because I have the alerts on silent. There's six friends in that group, so if it starts up and audible text alerts start going off for that, I'll be having panic attacks within minutes. I've had to have "the talk" with multiple friends, nicely asking them to text everything in one message, instead of fifteen, for the same reason. Otherwise their messages go on silent, and I get back to them when I get back to them.
Well you’d hate me lol
Lol, not really, it's just... Easy to trigger me with that.
Aww
Yo Torean, I had an idea :)
An idea eh?
Deep group chat instead?
For sure 👍
Who should we add? I’m thinking Twistie. Maybe Pond? Who else?
I'm ok with them. I mostly only know our group of 5, but I can get to know anyone else added.
Pond is new to me, so I’m not 100% about her. Twistie would be perfect tho. Idk who else lol
I say... go with your instincts. We can always make a new one later if we want to add more
Idk what my instincts are about this at all. Like, chat-wise lol
Invite who you think would actually like to contribute in a deeper chat way.
Should we do that, or do a one on one chat? Or both? I’m torn…
I vote that we do both
You think so?
Well, probably. I mean, I feel like that makes the most sense for us at least.
I sense that you’re still not convinced.
Convinced enough to try it
It’s up to you
I vote "aye". Or "arr", as we should have the audacity of true pirates
You don’t have the enthusiasm you used to…
I do so. I'm actually really on board. If anything, I'm just tired from my insomnia
Ah ok. I have… self-imposed insomnia lol
Wow, I flagged that post this morning and now it’s gone! They’re fast now lol
Heh, that's good. I wasn't sure how to approach it...
Why are you awake lol
General anxiety 😫
You have GAD?
Yep. That, and depression, probable borderline, possible bipolar, and they suspect schizophrenia. 😁 Oh, and PTSD. Always fun.
And DID?
Oh yah. That one that's made me do the really crazy things. Lawd. I really am surprised I'm still around at this point
Wait, you do have DID? You’ve never mentioned alters…
Well, I've dissociated a few times... 😅 you might not even want to know what those led to .. it gets dark.
You prolly wouldn’t post it either lol
I know I've vaguely mentioned some of it. Like, once having someone afraid for their life, and another time stealing my dad's gun and withdrawing my entire bank account, while not remembering it and thinking that it was just a dream... Until I found all of it. There was another time too... it wasn't as bad, but definitely pretty extreme.
I'll add that the latest dissociation was about 10 years ago at this point.
Wow… How has it affected you?
Ooh, untold ways. I didn't have a lot of direct effect from the gun/money one other than my roommate freaking out. The one I didn't mention had me paranoid for a while. As for the one where I terrified someone, that got into a whole legal thing. I could've been sent up the river... I was on probation for well over a year... At this point, I don't ever assume anything is actually ok. It's definitely fed into depression, spiraling, risky behavior... Pretty much everything. It's part of why I'm as calm as a forest stream in an emergency... Why I insist on constant personal development, why I have a hard time being alone or with people, why I jump to experience as much as I can when I have the chance, why horror movies actually make me feel comfy. It's also why it terrifies me that people close to me feel like having children is as simple as their personal choice.
Are you taking meds for it?
They've tried me on an impossibly ridiculous amount of meds. The only one that helps is a basic anxiety med. The rest are side effect city. One was destroying my immune system, and another made me remember almost nothing over a course of two years.
Wow, that’s intense :( What did it do to your immune system?
I think it just had my white blood cells way down. I have no idea. I also remember that I felt super queasy and sleazy every time I took that one. Like, for a moment, everything just felt gross... I don't know how to describe it. Like, maybe I was being dipped in cooled off bacon grease or something.
Ew. Slimy. XD
I still feel like shutting down.
For why?
Idk. These chats. The fear. The occasional intrusion. I even had a dream about our chat last night
What bad dream did you have about the chat? I get the fear, but... Maybe you could bring it up to a mod you know? As for the occasional intrusion, I don't know who that was or why, but I don't think it was anything to worry about.
Personally, I think it is of utmost importance that they stop allowing anyone to comment who isn't invited. Like, I fully get why it stays readable and moderated, but why allow others to just comment in? I literally can't think of a single reason to allow it, and I can think of a multitude of reasons why it's harmful. It's not like we can't shout out and message, start our own new chats, or add people later.
This crazy girl was writing on our chat, and posting photos of lightbulbs with faces that made her emotional, and was circling my house (though I don’t think she knew I lived there or that I was even present), occasionally banging in something in her hand like it was a tambourine.
Yeah. I have weird dreams. XD
Lol, that's a really weird dream. It's gotta mean how weird and unwelcome some of these people are
Yeah. Now I’m not even sure if it’s safe for me to have a chat with you anymore :(
It'll be ok. Those people are just being toxic. It's probably worth it to remember their screen names too, just in case.
I’m just afraid we’ll fail, too.
We won't. I promise I won't let anything get to that, as long as I have something to say about it
Thank you <3 A lot of it was my fault.
De nada! And no need for blame, some things just happened, and now we're in a completely different chapter, so it's all good
I’m honestly just disgusted and repulsed by men now. Not you. Men in general.
I can't say I blame ya, but anything in particular?
I feel like the PTSD is getting worse, from my abuser 2 years ago.
I don't know exactly what he did... :/ But you deserve gentleness and understanding. Keep in mind that you never deserved what happened. Nothing could make you deserve abuse.
He tried to break my finger and threw me out of his car.
Ok, I vaguely remember this. Why would he pitch a fit like that? Both of those things are really messed up...
I learned from a friend that he had MAJOR mental issues. Like, he broke his brother’s arm and later laughed about it.
Wow... that's some serious hair-trigger anger. That's not ok at all
Right?
I can hardly my anger in check sometimes, but I'd never want to abuse anyone - bottom line on that one - or cripple someone that wasn't attacking me or someone who needs my help.
Should I be afraid of you?
No way, I'd never act like he did. The worst I do is raise my voice. I think that's the main thing I need to work on. I don't really yell, I naturally project my voice, like a means-business tone. But that's an in-person thing also. I'm not ever going to take stuff out on you.
Mhmmmmmmmm
You think that I would?...
I’ve been thinking about my old best friend lately
What about them? I can definitely relate to that...
I mean the one that started working with me again. He’s been gone for 2 years… And so much has happened. My dad and my stepdad died within a year of each other, I had a man abuse me, I developed an eating disorder, and my mental health has been in the toilet… He and I haven’t talked deeply yet, and I don’t know when or if we will. I just wonder how disappointed he’d be in me…
Why would an actually good friend be disappointed in you? I bet he'd be worried if anything. I would hope so anyway
I don’t think that relationship will come back. He seems paranoid every time I look at him now…
He might. We’ve walked each other through some very dark nights… but those days are over now.
Maybe it's just been so long that neither of you know how to come back?
We argued at one point. Idk about what. I don’t even know if he remembers. He told me his memory’s bad. I think he’s afraid of me and my anger now… I’ve been so angry and cranky at no one in particular lately.
Maybe it's not fear, and more that he doesn't know how to approach or if he should? I mean, I guess you'd maybe have to ask to find out... So that depends on you.
And why so angry and cranky? (I have been too...)
Maybe. There’s been years of silence between us.
It’s just a mix… Stress, PTSD, fear, all sorts of things. It’s manifesting as anger. I prefer sadness. Sometimes. Although anger feels more productive…
It'll be up to you, but... Let me know what happens if you do.
Oooh, anger does feel more productive... That's relatable. I think mine's come out a lot lately too.
I went to the nutritionist today… Want me to share some wisdom from her? <3