Torean Member Profile

Real talk (tw - self harm, psychosis, alcohol, sex)

Bipolar, Schizophrenia & Psychosis Support / by Torean

5 hours ago

...See more You know... I feel like I'd be happier overall if I was just alone with robots.. It never goes away. I'm tired of people being afraid of me and talking behind my back because of episodes I've had in the past. Like, my episodes are no joke. I stole a firearm from my dad and withdrew all the money in my bank once, and literally thought I dreamed it. One time I bashed my head into the sidewalk until I couldn't stop laughing. One time I inadvertently had someone scared for their life, and other times I've been excessively promiscuous and lucky to not have lifelong consequences. I'm just tired of anytime I open up, people immediately going into worst case scenarios and demanding I do their suggestions because they can't take another breakdown, or when I text anything in the group chat with friends - anything funny, serious, or anything benign at all - and most of the time the chat just goes quiet. I literally haven't had a full on episode in years, and I'm so much stronger as a person now, but I'm feeling low and stressed enough that... Sometimes I feel like I should just give up fighting it. Let everything burn down again in some random manner. I'm burned out on work, and I'm burned out doing absolutely everything in my after-work life because my family just won't bother for much. I'm starting to miss the days when I was 14 and just starting to get seriously messed up. Best friends out of town, dad not wanting to be home, rest of the family busy, all the neighbors were ***holes. So I'd just play RPG games, work out, and chat online, all in a dark house where I wouldn't bother turning the lights on. Started skimming the huge bottles of red wine my dad never touched too. I think I miss it, because 23 years later it's still the last time I remember feeling like myself. I need space from everyone and yet I need support more than ever. Diagnosed schizophrenic, and I personally suspect borderline to a decent degree. I don't know what to do right now. I don't want to leave the bathroom. (I'm going to, I'm not holing up) They're worried about me out there, but they won't really listen to me.

I really was raised by a village, and it made me distrustful

Depression Support / by Torean

March 12th

...See more I remember when I was little, some teacher or someone asked me if I felt like I questioned authority or not. I said no, and everyone got judgmental with me, but I only said no because I misunderstood the question. I thought I was being asked if I asked a lot of questions to authority figures, and I knew a lot of kids that did, but I didn't. It's because I kinda knew that they were all full of crap, and I didn't really want to listen to anything I wasnt directly interested in. My parents tried, they weren't perfect, but more than that, they weren't around a lot. Not complaining about them, but I was an only child and I just sort of got passed around family households. The only one I felt like I got along with was my mom, but she sorta always let me get my way with things. Everyone else was just full of crap in their own ways, my teachers too. They all tried, and again, I'm not complaining, but I think I was already starting to understand how children and adults aren't honestly that different. The point I'm getting to is just an observation. I feel like as kids we would get assignments asking who our hero was a lot, and everyone else would say their dad or something, and I'd get in trouble for saying fictional characters or that I didn't have one at all. In a way, I feel like I'm lucky in that I didn't have the illusions of people being more perfect than they are. There's a sadness that comes with it though. I think it's one contributing part of what made me always feel different and misunderstood... But also, it's ongoing. I'm well into my adult years, and so many people I've known all my life just pay all kinds of attention and support to politicians or celebrities, etc. It's weird to me. I may like aspects of those people, and they may indeed have my general respect, but it's not like I trust them to actually be who they seem to be in my mind. I don't know how much other people really get influenced, but it outwardly shows a lot. Not sure why I'm posting this today, I just feel compelled to.

Some pretty extreme bullying

Trauma Support / by Torean

February 19th

...See more I had a "friend" when I was a kid, age 5-7 or so, but I don't even know what to make of it all today. He lived two houses down, and we had the same classes, so we used to hang out. Sometimes it would be fun, but mostly, it really wasn't. He reminded me of Shredder from the original Ninja Turtles cartoon, because he had an evil scheme everyday and never ran out of ideas. Usually it would involve him spending a long time to convince me to do something with him that could get us in trouble. Other times, it was worse. One time he stabbed himself with a toy and convinced me he was dead and I ended up calling emergency. One time, he had a capgun and started shooting at me... I didn't even know those existed, and while I was crying and begging for my life, he held it to my head and said "you breathe, you die.". Also, he was in karate and loved to lock me in a room and try to make me defend myself while he proceeded to beat me up. This must've happened about 20 times, and I'd be crying and refusing to defend myself. One time I finally snapped and caught him off guard... I almost put him in the hospital. It was even worse sometimes... He'd want me to destroy anything in my room that looked remotely sentimental. Also, I was a weird nerdy kid that knew the capital of every state and country and what the flags looked like. Grownups would quiz me, until he somehow talked me into purposely answering wrong. Somehow, that was the worst thing. I also remember that when I'd stay the night, he'd be sleeping in a king sized bed that looked like it was made for royalty, while I was given a floor pallet with the most uncomfortable Daffy Duck pillow imaginable. We dropped off contact eventually, but we met up around age 21 to go drinking. He ditched me far from home without a ride after an hour. Anyway, I can't pretend to know how it all effects me to this day. I know that bullying tends to make me project my voice and tell people off to the point that they get scared. If I don't do that, I have a tendency to beat the physically crap out of myself. I've lessened both of those reactions considerably this year, but it never really goes away. I also notice that i can pretty easily sense people's character, and I keep pretty much everyone in the corner of my eye regardless. If something unexpected comes up with someone that isn't good, I tend to spiral and overgeneralize their reaction to feel like everyone probably feels that way about me. Anyways, I don't know what my point is. I don't have specific questions, but I felt like I should share. I might get something from it and so might someone else.

If I had the power

Anxiety Support / by Torean

February 19th

Dreams that things worked out ok

Anxiety Support / by Torean

February 20th

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