My Journal- Do Not Read!
This is my private, personal journal. Do not read this… Please be kind and respectful of my desire for keeping this private <3 Thank you! <3
Except @Torean. @Torean has free rein in this journal <3 Maybe you can help me sort out my confusing thoughts…
Woooo, bring on the confusing thoughts! 😁❤️
I heard this song yesterday that goes…
“…Who loves her kids and never stops,
With gentle hands and the heart of a fighter,
I’m a survivor…”
I feel kinda like I’m on the verge of a breakdown now… I’ve felt for a long time that I don’t appreciate my mom enough… That once she dies, I’ll hate myself and regret so much… Because I paid more attention to my phone or friends than her. She’s so sick all the time… I don’t know how long I have with her… The regret rips my heart into shreds and she’s not even gone yet :’(
I feel the same way about my mom. Like, she's in the other room loudly watching some crime drama. I should go give her a hug soon. I cringe too much when she comes into the living room if I'm watching a movie or something. Habit from when I was a kid.
I think her being sickly probably helps her notice the little positive things you do. Maybe just take a deep breath, you have the freedom to be closer to her at times, and you're not in a hole with it that you can't get out of. ❤️
Did you hug her? <3
Why the habit?
What hole?
Always ❤️
Meh, she would always come in and start asking questions unrelated to what I was doing.
I mean, there's still things you can do to improve things.
Hug her again tonight for me. <3
Lol
Like?
Of course, always ❤️ so I will
Like... Hug your mom too? That's one thing. Also, try to get her to tell you a story you may not have heard
I must have a sign on my back that says “please abuse me”… How do I get it off? It seems to be affixed with permanent glue… I’m a target. My beauty is a curse, not a blessing. People level their hatred toward me. Is it me? Is it them? Is it a little of both?
Why am I abused daily? I go between invisible and a mockery, unwanted and belittled. I tease others because they hurt me… It’s a coping mechanism. I fight the only way I know how… Becoming numb. Laughing it off. Letting things slide. Choosing to allow the abuse rather than fight it, because fighting it creates even more drama. I’m the punching bag for men with anger issues, a girl whose body is ogled by men who have no business doing so, a girl whose only usage seems to be for a man’s pleasure. I have no innate worth to others, except what I can give them. When they see glimpses of my mental illness, they run. I can’t even be myself with the vast majority of people… I can’t let anyone in. They can’t see who I am. I wear a plastic smile while I die inside… I hurt deeply, sharply, every day, and I fight with all my might not to let anyone see. Because when they see… they leave. It’s better to hide and keep my friends, then to let down my guard and lose my friends. Fakeness allows me to keep my friends… Even when faking it is incredibly difficult.
A lesser woman would have crumbled or worse. I don’t know how I keep the strength to keep going. I just.. do. With a plastic smile and “I’m good, how are you?” and happy emojis. Anything to make them happy. But no one sees my shattered heart…
I only care to see you for who you really are. ❤️ I'm not the only one too.
I could never understand why they'd want to use you like that, but you've always deserved better. One ounce of actual reality is often all it takes to scare someone off from using you. You don't need to take that from them.
I’d fake it with you, too.
You'd see how much you dont need to ❤️
How would I know?
?
You should know by now that you don't need to fake anything. ❤️ I never get annoyed with you after all.
Nobody wants to see the real me.
People today were haters because Mom used someone’s preferred pronouns. People who should be the most kind and accepting, spitting hate. What is wrong with people???
I've felt like this a lot too. Anytime someone having different pronouns brought up, and suddenly people are on their soapbox, running their mouth about how we shouldn't "enable" them, or the "woke media", or kids these days or anything.
I don't know either, why whatever values they have that should be positive turn into hate with people so easily. It's one thing to have difficulty with using preferred pronouns, and another altogether to loudly stand against it
I just find it interesting how being gay, trans, etc, has apparently become the vilest, most unforgivable sin to a lot of people. Never says that in the Bible. Lying and coveting are sins too, but people don’t care as much about those… Hypocrisy.
I'm sayin. It's just a lot of hate that's been passed on and instilled in people. And when people close to them, or heaven forbid their own children, turn out to be gay or trans or something, then they suddenly start making excuses, having tantrums, and basically everything but being genuinely supportive.
Right??
I feel guilty for eating…
Don't, enjoy it while it lasts. ☺️ It's better for you that way
No… I feel like I’m eating food Mom could eat.
Are you running out or something?
No, there’s just so little she likes and can eat… I feel so incredibly, deeply guilty when I eat that kind of food. I try not to, but she insisted tonight…
She insisted?
She likes making me happy and sharing <3
Heheh, she's like mom then. I wouldn't worry. She wouldn't share if she couldn't afford to
She might.
Heh, I still wouldn't worry. She insists because she can, right? Not just because she likes to
She’s told me before that she’s eaten less, or none, so I can eat.
Sounds a lot like my mom honestly 😅
Why?
It just sounds like something she'd do. She's a really generous person
Awww <3
She likes making sure everyone is fed too ❤️
My mom and I are like that too! No one goes hungry. I’ll buy food for a coworker if I know they’re going hungry…
Awww that's so kind. ❤️❤️. I offer but my coworker gets stubborn. We keep making bets with candy bars at stake and I've won all of them. 😂 I'm trying not to win every time
Lose on purpose so he’ll have food… Sometimes people are too proud to take food from others.
That's true. Lol, it's hard to lose on purpose. I mostly have to accept favors. My coworker knows me too well for me to convincingly place a bet that's gonna lose, because I'm pretty much always right about stuff here 😅
I’m so exhausted today…
What's going on?
I’ve been sleeping at lousy hours.
I did too, last night... But I was finishing a game. 😅 Why the lousy hours?
What game?
I think it’s that thing I can’t remember the name of…Trying to redeem the day kinda.
Too many thoughts at night you mean?
I finished Destiny 2 once and for all. It's the only online multiplayer game I've bothered with long term, and they've basically been adding on to it for 13 years or so. I've been on board since then, and it feels like I've been playing different parts with different friends as the new chapters slowly came out, except this time. I was stuck on the final one solo, and it was almost impossible. You get to explore different planets and stuff, which is cool. My best memories are going to be at the town hub though. My friend used to spend a long time gathering quests, so by the time he's ready to come on missions, I'd be like "come find me, loser.". Because you can jump around, and I'd basically be messing around and finding secret passages they have hidden all the time that lead to weird things. So he'd have a vague idea where I was, and I'd just be laughing as I watch and listen to him try to figure it out. Lotsa deep talks while shooting hordes of alien creatures too. It's weird, because I'm not friends with most of those friends anymore, for different reasons. The last one wanted to join me, but uh... His wife is currently giving birth today, possibly right now.
Remind me to respond to this later lol
Lol, reminding you. I don't know if it's later enough
I sometimes click things when I don’t have time to respond, and then they disappear from my notifications and I forget lol
That sounds sweet… I’ve never played a game like that before. What’s it like? Being with people, getting to know them…
I miss having a space to talk about the deeper stuff… But I only want to use this space if we can deeply vow to not mess up again. First of all, we shouldn’t, and next time… it might be permanent. Vow with me?
Lol same.
Yes, I absolutely vow with you. ☺️. We can do it, I'll help make sure of it.
Whatcha mean about being with people and getting to know them? That seems like something that you do pretty regularly, depending on how much people can keep up with you. My main friend that I used to run that game with... We conflicted a lot, and I was usually just listening to him about his addiction. For me, it's sometimes important to have friends that I have next to nothing in common with. Ultimately, I couldn't stay friends with him, and I wouldn't befriend him again, but I'd genuinely have his back any time still.
Remind me to respond to this XD
I’m alone more than I’m with others.
Why wouldn’t you befriend him again?
How did people irritate you all day? I know the feeling of feeling more alone with others. I end up feeling like that a lot.
Why not befriend him? Honestly, he's a little toxic for someone like me. Like, the number one thing that got to me was that he would change his mind on things, like 180, on a dime, and change his mind back the next day. And the entire time, he would go on and on and on about it. I don't know how much I can deal with that... But it blends in with number two. Disclaimer here; I don't mind that he was extremely Conservative, and I definitely didn't mind that he was Christian... So, those things shouldn't be issues. But he would start "realizing" why he should be more and more extreme about something, which is fine, and I could listen to that, but then he would start harping on why I should feel that way too, or why I should stop doing something that I'm doing. I had to be like a broken record, reminding him that I don't have the same beliefs and values.
Reason number 3 is that he wouldn't respect a boundary of mine. He would send several page long messages, going off on me, for reason number 2 type stuff, and then consistent with reason 1, he would change his mind completely the next day. It's a boundary of mine, because if we had any issues, my policy is to talk them out, not send angry rants. The last one went too far on one aspect, and I had to call it quits.
Reason 4 isn't really his fault, but I met him because I used to date his sister. She isn't a particularly good person these days, and I'd rather not be in touch with her family. Also, his mom hates me. She just always assumed I was a bad influence and never got to know me.
Dude sounds like a winner.
Well, I only blame him so much. He was a victim of shaken baby syndrome, and was adopted after that into their family. They were really poor, so he never had many options... The weird thing is that he seemed really slow until he was in his 30's, at which point, he suddenly started being able to carry himself like a normal person.
He was a good friend in a lot of ways. He could be a good listener with a good sense of humor, and he genuinely wanted to learn all kinds of things and be a better person and Christian. It was pretty rough to bring that to an end. Just yesterday, I passed through his town (about 40 minutes away), to go on a hiking adventure. I passed by the Carl's Jr we used to meet at to go shoot hoops. Hope he's doing ok.
I’m… invisible. All the time.
How so?
Do you ever feel like… you want to d**, but you also don’t? Like you want your life to change, but you don’t actually want to d**?