My Journal- Do Not Read!
This is my private, personal journal. Do not read this… Please be kind and respectful of my desire for keeping this private <3 Thank you! <3
Except @Torean. @Torean has free rein in this journal <3 Maybe you can help me sort out my confusing thoughts…
I am soooooo tired…
Me too. I keep getting sleep deprived a little more every single day
Same. But partly my fault.
Same. I'm lost in not being able to fix it
Yes you can. Just like I can.
You're right. I can sometimes do a lot better. I did at least a little better last night. It would've been a full night of sleep if not for the insomnia
I keep alternating having random dreams and waking up multiple times for no reason. Idk what’s up with that.
Yo, that happened to me last night. I dreamed so hard that I feel even more exhausted. First, I was pickpocketing a key from a purple-skinned zombie leader named Corwin, and I couldn't fight him because he was incredibly strong... And he could talk.
Then I dreamed that I had a weekend all to myself, and I was thinking about doing all the things I never get to do. Which apparently ended up being ordering shrimp fried rice at a restaurant at 10:00am, and falling asleep at the table while listening to Rage Against the Machine. Shout-out to my waiter Teagan, who, worth noting, I believe is the first trans person to be in my dreams. Then I started thinking about going to these other places that I've only seen in my dreams... But suddenly it was nighttime, and my friends invited me to help break bottles at a closing liquor store. Which was fun, and for some reason, our favorite bartender owned that shop, and she was complaining that the college kids always got the good stuff and everyone else was left with bad alcohol, and I was like "Good thing I'm not above bad alcohol".
And then, for some reason, I was letting my guinea pigs run around someone's woodworking shop. Nessa was longer than a snake for some reason. The end!
Lol, you have fever dreams.
It was kinda like that 😅
I just got a reminder about why I don’t trust women either :(
That doesn't sound good. What happened?
I’d rather not share details but… I was being myself, and got massively misunderstood. Just because I was being me. :(
I feel like that has happened to me a lot in my life. I don't know why people gotta jump to conclusions, but I sympathize a lot. It has to do with the fact that it was a woman though?
Yeah… It makes more sense if you knew the details.
Women are catty and mean. At least if a dude hates you, he’ll straight up tell you. Women will pretend they like you and then backstab you.
(This doesn’t relate to the event, but it’s something I’ve learned.)
I'm here if you need to get them off your chest.
Yeah, I know what you mean. Women terrify me sometimes for that reason. 😅
I don’t feel comfy sharing them publicly :(
Yeah… it’s hard. :(
Understandable. You don't deserve that treatment whatever it is
Maybe I did.
Never. No one deserves passive aggressive treatment
Mmm idk
I really believe that. Passive-Aggressiveness has never been the correct response to anything. Though I guess i understand that the correct response isn't always possible or heard.
Wym?
I've had to deal with too many passive aggressive people... They were just really toxic and unwarranted in general.
Will you do something with me, starting tomorrow?
Fo sho! I think
You think. Lol
I want us both to start eating more mindfully.
I want that too. I'm trying. I ate way more chips today than I meant to, out of stress, because someone kept staring at me while talking to me. 😅
Lollllll i totally feel that XD
I ate a cookie the other night out of social anxiety lol
Lol, this sounds like a common occurrence for me
I needed an out XD Which is dumb because I’ve been friends with him for like years and I’m comfy with him lol
It happens to the best of us. We can't always be expected to be around people 😜
I’m scared of what I’m doing to my body.
The eating aspect? It's a struggle. We can recover though.
My fasting blood sugar is 114. Diabetes is 126.
Also I’m low on vitamin D.
I think mine was about the same. Could be worse now... Definitely gotta improve this
We got this?
Somehow. I'm really trying to monitor on the snacky end. That'll help me the most I think
I wish I could just… stop eating.
Same. Or just stop having a body honestly
How so?
Honestly, I feel like my body just holds me back. It's a fragile meat sack of a host for addiction and illness. My mind could do so much better than my body. Just any time I'd like to be doing more, my body needs rest, or needs food, or wants other things. It feels like a hindrance.
I totally understand that… I have things I want to do, but I’m too tired… Because I chose to stay up til almost midnight last night.
Yeah... I kept waking up in the middle of the night. My left eye is super sensitive to light when I'm trying to sleep, even if it's closed. Unfortunately, I have to constantly readjust my double blackout curtains because the neighbor across the street has houselights brighter than the gates of heaven.
Sleep mask?
Can't get to sleep with it on... :/
I get headaches when anything even touches my head, so I can’t wear one. My head is so sensitive
That's rough. I never wear anything on my head pretty much, so I'm probably just not used to it
I sunbathed next to a fountain at the library. Trying to absorb the sun <3
Nice! I need to get outside more. That's great for vitamin d, and I'm probably not getting enough
What would you like to do outside?
Probably shoot hoops or swim. I haven't done any of that in a really long time. Or hiking. I'd like to do more of that
You have free time today? ;) Hey, if I can sunbathe, you can go outside for 10 minutes. Hehe
Lol, maybe... It's been raining though. If it clears up, I'll take a walk, but it might be night by then too
Plan for it this week, then. Holdin’ ya to it! Hehe
That's fair. ☺️ Thanks, I think that'll be a good challenge
Did you?
Yeah, I walked my dog at least. With ankle weights. Is that an old person thing? I wonder if they help much, I just now tried them for the first time
Not an old person thing lol, but I first pictured a different kind of ankle weight XD
How was it?
I dunno, it might have helped. It was a minor amount of added effort. Maybe if I do it a lot it'll help
I find men disgusting and repulsive now.
We are, but why do you say that?
You agree?
Because… I like the thought, but then… I remember what men are really like. And it literally curdles my stomach.
It's not as simple as an agree/disagree, but I'm not going to defend men at large. I don't blame you for feeling that way, and I don't know why men have to be so abusive and have so many control issues. I've never been those things, but I'm still gross though. Sensitive subject matter for a place like this, but I've... Just been a certain kind of addict since, like, age 14. So very many things I've done in my life because of that, and I wish I could live without it constantly interrupting things I could be focusing on. I mean, if there's an actual devil keeping track, I'm pretty sure my file doesn't fit in his cabinet and makes him blush to read. It makes me wonder how I can even dare to try having a functional life where people care about me and depend on me.
Because you matter. And you matter to God.
Hm.. I'll accept mattering to my loved ones at least. I just feel like I'm bad for people. I halfway wonder if I'm part of the reason my friend wanted a divorce... I think that honestly answering some questions about my misadventures made him think he was missing out... Though his wife has seriously been abusive to him for years, and... it's a moot point now, since she didn't survive a car wreck... I just never wanted to be an influence like that in the first place though... If I was.
I am… very confused.
Uh... Sorry... 😅
Answering questions? What influence?
Eh, it was just guy talk, and I wonder if I made him feel jealous of the single life...
You can’t let yourself keep thinking what if…
True. I just... I wonder if I should ask... eventually
Why?
Just to take responsibility for my part. I know he'll try to tell me that i didn't have anything to do with it, but still. I know that people effected me with that when I was a lot younger
I think you’d be proud of my food choices last night <3
Ooh, what'd you have? Mine weren't proud choices, but definitely tasty. I had a chili relleno with fajita beef rice and beans
I ate fruit first. :) Grapes and cut strawberries <3
Very nice! I had some strawberries too 😁 I had super unhealthy lunch of chicken tenders, but it iiiis Saturday lunch. I'll do better tonight.
We were at an event today and I ate waaaayyyy too much chocolate. Regretting it now… Feeling the caffeine.
Heh, that can be worth it sometimes though. I'm exhausted. I didn't get caffeine this morning... I had a coke at like 2, it didn't do much. I'm about to eat an Italian hoagie sandwich.
There's an event I wanna maybe go to tomorrow, we have a good local medieval fair. The weather is looking a little rough though
Not really for me. It keeps me awake at night.
You should go if you can <3 Tell me stories hehe
It can do that to me too. Make sure to drink a lot of water until then, it helps.
Heh, will do. It might be raining and/or snowing though. It's not looking good
Chips and salad and corn.
That sounds remotely yum
Remotely?
I’m trying to eat more fruit and veggies, but still eating the other stuff too. :(
Saaaame. Someone brought cosmic brownies. I was weak. They're so colorful... 😫. I did get some oranges and seaweed too though
Are those the kind from the same brand that makes Twinkies?
I bought a blood orange today so I can try it <3
I think so? They make a lot of things.
Blood Orange is pretty good, I haven't had many of those before
Is it like a regular orange?
Sorta. There is definitely a flavor difference. Less tart for sure
I like that idea lol
Did you go to the medieval fair?
I didn't get to. I had electricians to deal with one day, and the next started off storming hard and I wasn't able to really leave in time for it.
It's ok this year. I wish I got to go, but I was feeling overstimulated anyway
How come?
Just feel like I don't get much time in-person that doesn't involve socializing. My coworker talks the entire time at work. 😅 And if she's not doing that, she's suddenly laughing really hard at animal videos out of nowhere
My coworkers do that too!!!! Lol. People look at them very confused. I just say, “That’s just ____. He does that.” XD
Lol, pretty much. I'm just like, "is it a basset hound?". Spoiler alert: it's almost always a basset hound with her 😂
She must like bassets lol
have no idea what my coworkers are watching, but I think it’s either comedians, reels, or anime, judging from what I’ve watched over their shoulders or heard lol
We went to see our friend today… the one who has less than 2 weeks to live. Idk how I feel rn
Wait, whaaaat? Who and why only 2 weeks? I don't blame you, that's a hard thing to do... I'm sorry. Is it a good friend of yours?
Someone from my mom’s life group at church. She has cancer. We’ve known her time was short for a long time, but now she’s dying for real… I don’t know her well, but she’s just… always been there. Happy, friendly, loves me. Idk…
That makes sense, and I'm really sorry to hear it. I wouldn't know how to feel either, but... It's probably really important that you stopped by, right?
Yeah. My mom told her she’d visit her again, but… I don’t know if I’ll ever see her alive again.
You probably could go with if you really want to. It might be better to make peace with it now, and you shouldn't feel bad if that's the case. It's rough in that situation, and I know just how much reality there is in it. How are you doing with it right now?
I’ll go… if I can get there before she goes. (Idk if I can say that word without triggering the censors.) If I can’t… she’s gone.
Well, I definitely hope you get a chance to then. (I feel like I've seen that word not trigger the censors, but I'm not sure) Anyway, let me know how it goes if you do. ❤️
I’m just trying to avoid anything that sounds bad. Even remotely.
We have another friend who has cancer and a few years to live. And know of another person who has cancer…
Bruh, that's a lot of people around with it. I know someone who just beat cancer recently. Maybe one of them can too
The one who’s dying, probably not. She’s really sick and older. The other one, maybe. He’s older too, but he’s at least got a longer prognosis.
Well, here's hoping. Cancer isn't a good way to go, but I hope this isn't as bad as it could be for them.
Oh yeah, and another friend’s wife is dying.
I’m scared of slowly doing the same, by choice, with my poor choices yk
I am a little bit too... I try so hard to stay active too. Dieting is killing me. Though I did have sandwiches tonight. Pb&J with natural peanut butter and blackcurrant jelly.
Ooh cool! Add some fruit maybe? Get creative. You and I have this thing for eating weird food combos. Use that curiosity! <3
Then… don’t diet. That’s probably the problem.
Heheh, that curiosity keeps me going.
But .. I gotta diet, right? Otherwise, I'd love to finish all those Doritos... 😅
Any recent experiments?
Lol, just eat fruit first, then you can have the Doritos. Baby steps. :)
True that. I tried kimchi on a spaghetti-o's sort of dish. I liked it.
Ew. Lol
Lol, I think I had too much of it and my stomach is really really bad today. I don't think my body can handle how spicy this kimchi is...
I’m just having a day.
I hope I'm making it at least a little better. From the visit you mentioned?
You always do.
Yeah… Plus I’m not feeling well, plus I’m exhausted, plus I haven’t really rested all day…
Good to hear : )
Same... I mean, I've rested almost all day, but it's not enough. I hope you get to get a super good rest tonight to make up for it.
I’ll probably stay up too late again.
I definitely did, but I slept an even 8 hours. Finally! 😁
Yay!
Mom and I went to bed early last night.
Nicely done! I failed last night. I got maybe 6 hours of sleep. I couldn't sleep at all
My sleep has been SO off lately. I can’t get to sleep or stay asleep.
I tried calling my dad’s phone numbers today.
