My Void of Venting
I’ve always wanted to start a journal. I was always worried that it had to be perfect. What if future generations read it? What would they think?
Thats why I created this thread. Because now I can vent into the void so to speak and I don’t have to worry about it being perfect or it even having to make sense. The void doesn’t judge.
I’m not currently wanting anyone to leave comments. Feel free to read my venting if you want but please don’t leaves comments.
Thanks! 🤍
11/11/24
i actually woke up at a reasonable time today. Though I’ve probably ruined it for tomorrow because I stayed up way too late again.
I did however get some laundry done and almost finished that weaving project. I just have to finish the tassels and wash it.
I am going to work on more laundry tomorrow and packing for Idaho.
i did also get two more months done for the calendar.
I enjoy talking to my friend on here. I wish I could open up like they do. I’m just worried that I won’t be accepted. I know it’s a stupid thought but I just can’t stop thinking it.
Why am i so stupid?
I held my tongue with Katelynn but I couldn’t even think when it came to mom. Why couldn’t I have said it wasn’t my favorite or even lied and said it looked good.
but no I h had to make an unintentional rude comment. Now she’s mad at me which is understandable but it’s now spreading out to other people.
it was supposed to be a fun night for her and Katelynn and now I have possibly ruined it. It started a small fight with mom and dad.
i went and hid in a corner of my room hoping that mom wouldn’t have to see me again and would just forget about me so she could still have a fun night.
dad then came down and said that she was just mad at him which is so frustrating because I know she was mad at me and he doesn’t have to defend me like that. It doesn’t change how I feel it just makes it seem like he is making it so I don’t have a reason to be upset. It invalidates my emotions.
now I am just back in the state where I feel stupid and I’m angry at myself. Just the other day I was upset because I felt so alone in a house full of people and now I wish I could just sink into my bed and become invisible.
why is life so hard
11/12/24
I got more laundry done and I got the weaving project fully done.
I started to get things set aside to be packed for Idaho.
mom seemed to have had a good time and she acted as though nothing happened. Which I was glad to see but also annoyed knowing that I was falling apart over it and she had no affects. Why did it have to bother me so much?
anyway, I have work tomorrow and hopefully it goes well
love you human!
11/13/24
work was good, I played plants vs zombies when it was slow.
after work I made that garlic confit for the garlic butter.
I have set aside a hook and some thin yarn to crochet a cord for that little Bluetooth clicker I keep losing. I’m going to do that at work tomorrow when it’s slow.
mom is starting to come back to the church and I am so happy. I’m going to make a cross necklace for her. She was saying she wanted one today.
I’m supposed to be up in 5 hours so I better go to bed.
love you Human!
11/14/24
There were so many frustrating customers today. It was still a good day though. I learned how to crochet leaves and made a lanyard for my little photo clicker.
I made bread with mom and it was a lot of fun. Everything is ready for the trip tomorrow. I was hoping to finish my fingerless gloves before I had to go to bed tonight but I don’t think I’m going to finish.
I am really excited for the trip. I just hope I will have a good amount of patience for people.
Love you Human!
11/15/24
We made it up to Idaho safe. It’s been a lot of fun so far. We had a girls night and watched a movie and made bracelets and painted nails. I really like how mine turned out.
tomorrow we are going to go to a couple stores. Hopefully that will be fun as well
tomorrow is also the main dinner. I really hope everyone likes the rolls mom and I made.
well i better head to bed.
Love you Human!
Oh my goodness why do people have to be so rude!
12/10/24
I just want to scream
i am stuck in this life and I hate it. All of my friends have left me. They don’t reach out, they don’t even notice that I’m gone. I’ve tried reaching out, I have done so much to be included and yet I’m invisible.
why can’t I just let it go!! Why do I have to keep pining for someone to love me? When am I going to finny get someone who cares about me? Someone who notices when I’m gone? Someone who would invite me to stuff? Someone who understands me?
I miss Stephan. I know we weren’t right for each other but he was so caring towards me. He truly was kind and I just keep thinking that he was my one chance and I have ruined it. I know that’s not true. I know it but yet it still keeps going through my head.
I want a friend. I can’t talk to mom because it just makes her worse. That’s why I stopped and the one time I had hope that I could do it again it still made her worse.
why do i have to be an adult. I get I’m 21 but I’ve been an adult emotionally and mentally since I was 14 and I’m so tired of it.
I don’t want to truly disappear but I wish there was a safe space that I could hide for a while. A place quiet and free from the stress of the world. And then I could continue on full force. But that’s only wishful thinking. I’m stuck with this brain. I’m stuck with my life.
I wish I could cry. Crying makes me feel better. It releases all those awful thoughts and emotions. But of course I can’t even have that…
I better try to get some sleep I guess
love you human
2/21/25
i haven’t been on her in a while. I started a paper journal though! I started it as a New Year’s resolution and I’ve only missed one day. I’m really proud of myself
I’m frustrated with life again.
tomorrow is customer appreciation day and so it’s going to be busy but I hope it will still be fun. I really should head to bed since I have to wake up early in the morning. But I wanted to write here
love you human!
6/21/25
I am a failure. I mess up everything.
Why can’t I do anything right.
I can’t even make it through high school without dropping out. I don’t have a Ged, I don’t have a drivers license. I can’t even do things at home right. My mom vents to me about how my dad doesn’t do anything and how she just wants a break.
Then I turn around and do the same thing. She of course is upset and hurt. My brother than feels like he is in trouble and she won’t talk to either of them so they don’t get caught in the cross fire.
My mistakes even drag my siblings down.
My bed room is filled with crap because I can’t even keep it clean.
I only work three days a week and yet I am still failing.
I’ve been going on dates with an amazing person and I have tried texting him and lately he hasn’t even read the messages. He is not the king of guy to ghost someone but what if I’m the one person who would make him do that.
I am just one huge mistake. And I am just going to have to keep going through my life being a mistake. I try to improve but fail. I am stuck like this.