Oh well this got depressing and way too real sorry.

I wonder who would mourn me.

I’ve thought about my death for years, I’ve concocted different scenarios and reactions.

I’ve had people in my life that I think would’ve cared.

Now though I think they would maybe be shocked but that’s about it. I don’t think they’d mourn me.

I don’t think anyone’s ever mourned any type of relationship with me. I fill a void when it’s needed and then what good am I afterwards?

Now I keep a small circle. I don’t really talk to anyone, I don’t really trust anyone.

My family would mourn me, but not for long. They’d move on and I’m glad they would.

My friend would use it as an excuse to cause more harm to themself. I don’t know if he’d mourn me though. Maybe that’s just me being my normal self-hating self though, maybe I’m not giving him enough credit.

My boss would miss the employee who did everything, not me.

I think about my mum sometimes. About how her life would be without me. If she never had me.

I fear she’d still be with my dad. I fear she would’ve had a better life. I fear she would’ve had a kid who she loved, who she wanted. I fear she would’ve been a better mother.

I’m a regret, I know that. I’ve been a regret since birth and I’ve only made it worse since. I wasn’t wanted, I know that from the abortion my mother had before I was conceived.

I think me not existing would be worth it. Which is dumb because I hate my mother for everything she’s put me through. But I love her more than I hate her.

That’s just that right? A reoccurring theme in my life. I love people more than they hate me.

Someone could ruin me and I’d justify it because I love THEM. Not because they love ME. People have ruined me and I’d justify it every time.

I think it’s because I’ve justified my mother’s actions all my life and now I’m just conditioned to it. I’ve tried not to but that always ends out worse.

It’s why I’m alone. I’m choosing it. I’m being too picky with people I meet because I don’t want to get hurt again because I’m already hurt enough.

I’m always hurt and for once I just want to not be. I fear that’s asking for too much though.