Rambles Of An Entity

I smelt like you

I wanted to stay that way forever

But you were never mine to keep

When I close my eyes

I picture you the way I’d wanted you to be

The way I’d write you into my soul

Deluding myself into thinking I’m the exception

But I’ve always been the *** rule

You taught me that love isn’t precious 

When you uttered those words like they were worthless

I wanted to ask you

What does love mean to you?

You say it so often that I wonder if you’ve bothered to look up the meaning

Did you just wake up and decide that it’d be the perfect word?

I wish I didn’t love you

You’ve left a void in my heart

You broke me when I needed to be whole

My anxiety is intense.

To others, it’s just walking into a classroom

But for me, it’s like laying myself bare

For everyone to look at

To judge

To form an opinion I have no control over

I know I shouldn’t care what others think

But how do I do that

When everyone’s looking at me

I wish they couldn’t see me

I wish I was invisible

How do you miss someone you never see but is so intertwined with your soul?

I know you get quiet when you’re mad

I know you distance yourself when you’re sad

I know you like saying my name over and over again

And you like the way I say yours

I wish I could have waited

I wish I could have been patient

I wish I could have loved you even while you were hurting me

With or without you, I can’t live

Never truly understood until now

With you, was bad

I never felt like you cared

I would feel worthless depending on what you said to me that day

I thought us fighting all the time was a good thing 

That we could be honest with each other

But you lie with every breath

Now I’m here wondering was anything real

Was anything true

Did you even like me?

Or was I just a good distraction 

Without you, also bad

Now I’m wondering if it’s better to have bits and pieces than nothing at all

But I know I’m worth more than that

I miss talking to you

Listening to you

Thinking I could actually be with you

That you’d even wanna be with me

The first boy to write me a poem

Likened me to pringles

As if that wasn’t embarrassing 

But I made the mistake of trying to fit myself in the box he made me

The thing is I’m a storm

A raging one

The kind that breaks you

But also washes away your sins

I’m a fragile thing that gets consumed by so many little things 

I tend to forget that although people can be your home

They can’t build them for you

I look for love in anything that looks like an architect 

Wanting them to make me into anything that seems like comfort 

But the fire burns in me cause I’m not a thing 

And I do not need to be completed

That’s the type of *** we do on our own 

My mother told me to stop writing

That it’s not good to remember the pain

But how do I tell her without the ink

without these words

I would come apart

These are the seams that hold me together

I sit here

I ponder

What do I write

How do I speak

With what words can I tell you how I feel

Because words are inadequate 

How do I begin to tell you what I’ve carried for all these years

Hurt I refuse to let go

Pain that resurfaces every now and then

Where do I begin

You tell me

“Tell me about yourself”

How???

Can words encompass who I am

Can they bare my soul to you 

I don’t know how to let go of you

without feeling like im losing a piece of my soul

My friend calls me desperate

But I need you like water

I just want you to want me

Is that so bad

That I wanted you to care

That I think about you so often

To the point I will you into existence

But get *** when you’re not there

Why???

Was I not good enough

Did I not give you what you needed

Or is it just me

I wanna be so enough that I fill up the spaces that rejected me

Is this my curse?

Only ever wanting what wants nothing to do with me?

Only seeing love in the spaces the reject me

Only feeling held when you push me away