Rambling sorry

Okay so very few people know me. And when I say very few I mean about two maybe three people.

Not even they know all of my lore, don’t know all about me.

I claim to be a private person, and I am but it’s a bit deeper than that.

Sharing terrifies me. Ironic since I would literally give my life for some people. Yet I grew up in a house where my feelings, my life just didn’t matter.

I’ve met people who’ve learnt things about me and fled. I get it, I understand it but it still hurt.

So now I just keep things to myself. I don’t even think twice about it, it’s just in my nature.

Now there are things that are meant to be personal but just aren’t to me. Like my dad being schizophrenic, yet I’ll never go into details about it. Like my step-dad leaving but I’ll never go into details.

Small things like that don’t bother me.

It was a bit of an issue in my last relationship, I would always put her first. I’d lie all the time saying I was fine, keep my past to myself. She hated that.

It just made me love her more so I started a journal. I was meant to give it her but we ended up breaking up before I got a chance.

So I turned to this eventually, because writing it hurt too much after a while.

Then she blocked me and I started to send her messages and voice notes on our blocked chat like a crazy person.

I’m not crazy, well. That’s 100% debatable.

But I went from talking to her every single day for 3 years to absolute radio silence in a matter of hours.

I’ve stopped now, I haven’t sent her anything since New Year’s Day.

I get the urge to, but I don’t. I’m retraining myself for once.

I talk to myself a lot. I don’t have many friends and the one’s I do have kinda suck. I have a voice memo app that I record myself on. Idk why I record myself? I guess it’s the familiarity of it.

I never listen to it, I hate the sound of my own voice. Yet it’s comforting so I keep doing it. Just like I’ll keep writing all of my current thoughts on here.

Opening up to strangers is always easy, especially if I know that I’ll never meet them, never see them. I’ll just be a voice drowned out by hundreds of others.

I think that’s why I’ve always shied away from therapy. That and because I’m stubborn as ***.

Therapy you have to sit and tell a person all of your life. Face to face, no screen to protect me. I’ve heard the horror stories and I so don’t want to make someone cry.

I also am extremely self-aware. I know myself inside and out, I know how my brain works. It’s just the emotion side I struggle with but I’m gradually getting better.

I was meant to go to therapy after an ER visit back in 2023, obviously I never did it. I got to the point where they were gonna sit me down and talk so they could figure out who to put me with.

I missed that appointment. I chickened out.

I think it would be healthy for me to talk to someone just because I have so much to say. I’m pretty isolated too which doesn’t help.

But I swing between needing to say a million things to wanting to say absolutely nothing at all. Makes making friends pretty difficult.

People can have a reason to live but also a reason to d-e.

I read a lot of fanfics and you’d be shocked at how amazing some are. Even the one’s that aren’t too well written are good. Some have these lines, sentences that most likely aren’t that important in the grand scheme of things but just stick to you.

My reason to live is blurry. I know I have one, I just haven’t figured it out yet. Maybe currently it is to figure out the reason.

I’ve always had more reasons to pas. Most just overthinking thoughts but others are real.

I lost a friend. Basil, I don’t actually remember his real name. He was Basil to me. I don’t remember a lot from that time but I remember that he was important to me.

I hate that I can’t remember but what can you do? I was the last person he spoke to, it was why his sister messaged me.

I’ll always regret that I couldn’t do more. I’ll always love him, care about him. I’ll always miss him.

I’ve lost other people. Not to death though.

One friend called Sam. I spoke to Sam constantly and then she just dropped off the face of the earth.

I sent her messages everyday for 6 months before I let her go. My messages never sent.

I remember her mum being a nail technician? I think? But not much else. I curse my bad memory.

I feel like an imposter. Like this is my body and I’ve had these experiences that are just lost memories?

Like yes I loved Basil and Sam. Yes they were some of the most important people I’ve ever known but I don’t remember them. I don’t remember what they looked like or sounded like. I don’t remember how many siblings they had, their favourite colour. I can’t remember our conversations or our arguments.

I wish I did. Now when I miss them, I just repeat their name in the back of my mind. I won’t forget them, I won’t forget how important they were, I won’t forget that. But I’ve already forgotten them.

Sorry for going on lol.

Have a good day/night :)