Rant

Today my sister asked me if I ever feel stuck.

She doesn’t know me, not really, the question is just another reminder of that fact.

I’m 20, i live at home and work at my first ever job I got.

So yeah, I feel stuck. I never feel unstuck. I constantly feel like I’m running yet never moving.

It’s insane that she’d ask because anyone who know’s me has heard this tirade.

I’ve been exhausted since I learnt what it meant. I’ve been depressed since I was too young to understand the feeling. I’ve been angry in a way that festers over time.

I’ve changed over the years but only via words, actions, behaviour.

In reality i’m the same as I was 8 years ago.

Still furious yet never say anything. It’s not place, I’m the peace, the calm, the quiet. I’m the person you *** about others too, the one who takes and takes without limit because I never learnt when to stop.

I carry everyone else’s weight and let my own drag behind me. I’ve never been good at focusing on me.

Yet people know me enough that they know how to get me pliable. Easy to manipulate because despite my general lack of empathy, I’m easy when it comes to my family.

Yeah they don’t know my favourite tv-show but my mother know’s how to get me to do something I don’t wanna do, or how to not speak up for myself when I really should.

But I endure it because if I act out, I won’t stop. I get mean, I get snappy, but I never say things that I don’t mean nor aren’t true.

I’m smart, I’m observant and people trust me. Smart but stupid.

Push and I’ll snap. Maybe not in the way I’d like but enough for it to hurt.

Some days I just feel like crashing out and ruining every relationship I have. I’m not that person.

I wish I was