Spiral

Okay so I’m spiralling a lil, maybe a lot.

I’ve been spiralling for a while tbf but it’s really hitting rn and I got no one to talk to about it so hey.

I’m not sleeping right, like maybe 3-4 hours a day. I try to sleep!! I went to sleep at 12am the other day and proceeded to wake up at 2am. I’m not eating properly but I never have but yk it’s bad when u start to get dizzy or fuzzy. Which is yk fine, been there done that.

Today my body is keeping me awake which is great, fine whatever. I cleaned the walls at work yesterday so lots of scrubbing, lots of being on my knees so yeah. My legs and arms and my back are screaming more than usual. Fantastic. Great.

I’ve also got a headache because I’m exhausted but I can’t sleep, ain’t that hilarious. Ha. I’m sending my ex the voice notes she will never hear because I’m BLOCKED. But I’m so freaking alone dude.

I’ll lower my standards at this point idk?? I’ve been single for way over a year now because I’m being too picky, getting the ick too easily. But maybe I just need to stop?? Go back to my roots. 15 year old me let everyone walk all over him, let himself get pulled apart and put back together again more times than I remember. Maybe I just need that again??

I know I don’t. I know that okay. I know that I’m voice noting my ex again because I miss her and I’m lonely. I’m aware. I don’t, I shouldn’t date anyone rn because that’s selfish and self-destructive and stupid.

I’ve tried to massage my legs, nada. Cracking them, nothing. Painkillers don’t work, I’ve tried it. Neither does a hot water bottle or an ice pack, tried both. So I’m stuck, in pain and I have work later and I have to walk then be on my feet for hours and god I’m tired.

And I might have an opportunity at another job but I don’t think I can do it. It’s only 3-4 shifts a week, 7ish hours a shift. But it’s also a 30 minute walk there and back. It’s also being on my feet for not only the 7 hours but also the 5-7 hours at my other job.

But I need the money. So I know I’m going to ignore the fact that my body is screaming and just do it. I’m tired? Isn’t that crazy? I don’t do anything. I spend most of my day in bed, trying to loose myself in my phone. Trying to forget that I’m a person outside of this room.

I’m a failure. I know that, it’s just a fact. I’ve been working the same job for four years. My life is barely different from four years ago, I’m barely different from four years ago. It’s meant to get better right???

I just feel crazy and alone because what?? I felt so confident yesterday, I thought I looked hot. Now I don’t even want to look in the mirror because I know if I look too long I’ll see the cracks. See the lost eyes beyond the facade.

Ignore the pain in my body and my head. And my heart and soul. I tried treating it. I’m just tired.