Spiralling, too many things

Hellooo

So I’ve been spiralling a little (a lot) lately. Hence the uptick in these :D

Are we acknowledging that… no. No we’re not.

Well actually I suppose that’s a lie, we’re acknowledging it we just don’t know what to do about it. And when I say we, I actually mean me.

Spiralling is weird? Familiar in a way home is.

Homes a weird word right? Can have a million different meanings even if it’s just a word. Home usually means the place you live in or the place you grew up in. Home can be a person, or a thing or something that makes you feel comfortable, safe.

I call my current house, home. Reflex mostly but despite its bad memories, it is home. It’s not a place I feel comfortable or really safe. Maybe my room is more home.

I don’t leave it a lot, and a lot of that is because I’m depressed. Someday’s getting out of bed is harder than it should be. But I’m also not really welcome in the rest of the house so I just stick in here. I could go out but there’s not much to do where I live and I don’t really talk to anyone.

I’m pretty isolated and idk if that’s on purpose or if it’s just how stuff turned out.

I’m talking to my sister more. Idk why, I think we’re both just kinda lonely.

She moved for uni about 3/4 years ago. I kinda hate(d) her for that. Not because she left, I encouraged that actually. It’s because she just stopped talking to me unless she needed something and that sucked.

Now that I’m older though, I recognise that we kinda lost our good relationship years before she left. Somewhere in between our step dad leaving and our mum being way less present.

She had a lot of responsibilities after he left cuz our mum had to work more. I recognise that and I feel bad for her.

The issue with my sister though is that she’s very self involved. She sees her own issues and looks no further. She’s always been like that. When we hung out, she’d talk and talk but never ask.

She had a lot of responsibilities but so did I, just in a different way? I looked after our younger siblings because she’d snap, be too harsh, too cruel. I looked after my mums boyfriend’s kids, my older sister has never been too good with kids. I’d listen to my mum talk, complain, trauma dump. I’d listen to my older sister b-tch and complain.

My sister doesn’t recognise that though I guess? Which is fine, a little frustrating but fine.

What annoys me most is when she is controlling. I’m almost 20, I’ve acted almost 20 since I was 13 years old. I was always independent, it just upped a few notches after everything. So I never needed my sister. I didn’t go running to her with issues at school, the thoughts in my head, the self harm, the ex’s. I dealt with it myself.

So now, when she comments on my life. When she tells my mother that I need more rules and structure, I get annoyed. I’m a grown adult. I pay rent, bills. I work full-time, I have responsibilities.

She’s only two years older than me and yet she acts like she’s older than she actually is. Yet in reality, our ages really should be swapped. I’ve always been really responsible, I pay rent, bills early or on time. She’s usually late to it, or asking me for money.

How can you ask me for money and then act like you’re the parent here??

She wants to move in together. Flat, just the two of us. I’ve been, thinking about it, milling it over in my head.

Lock on my room, obviously. Some house rules, split the bills evenly.

I’d have to save up some money, despite the difficult circumstances atm. Then we’d move somewhere a little further, a little more.

I’d get away from home, from this town. From the job that makes me feel like I’m drowning but also breathing fresh air. Yet I’m comfortable here, familiar. I have routines.

Yet I’m also stuck, a little lost. And despite the fact that the air is fresh, I’m still drowning.

However, that means leaving my mum. A complicated relationship but still a relationship. She’s struggling to pay rent as it is, she’s really lonely and I would feel bad for leaving. She knows how to make me feel bad about just thinking about it.

Also my sister. What if she pushes too far? What if all we do is argue and fight, what if it doesn’t work. I have a complicated relationship with my mum but we both have unspoken rules, things that let us live in peace.

What if I move and can’t find a job. I don’t have a-levels or a degree. What if I find a job and it doesn’t pay enough? What if I end up working two jobs again and don’t have the time or money to actually enjoy living elsewhere? What if I’m still drowning but in a place thats unfamiliar?