Sprialling a little

Eat sleep work

Agonise over everything, overthink everything.

Ignore the hurt feelings, ignore the constant tiredness.

Ignore the lack of love, ignore the loneliness.

I’m only here cuz I’m useful. Cover whatever shifts till whatever hour, lend money, buy people stuff.

I’m a backup, a safety net but not a person people see.

I can’t remember the last time I had a genuine conversation.

I’m drowning in the sea but that doesn’t stop me.

Eat sleep work and repeat.

My life is worthless, meaningless. Not life itself, just the way I’m ‘living’ it. More like surviving it.

Turning 20 soon, 5 years older than I thought I’d ever be.

No plans, no savings just hate, regret and guilt.

I’ve been promising to leave home since I was 13. I’m 20.

No college, no university degree. Just me and my gcse’s.

Resist the urge to self harm because it only ever causes issues. Hide the scars that do exist because no one wants to see.

Drink to numb the emptiness, starve to feel something.

I’m drowning, I’ve been drowning for years and I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know how to be a person, how to be me. I’m not happy, I can’t remember when I was. I’m almost 20. I’m not old but I’ve also never gone to a party, never drank with my mates. I get a message once a month from a friend, my other hasn’t spoken to me since Christmas. I miss my ex but don’t reach out because I’m not selfish. I hung out with a couple people my age and just felt out of place. No drivers licence, no car, nothing to my name.

Just work, eat and sleep. For what? Why am I doing any of this?