Stress

I’m not good with feelings.

I feel them, easily. I just don’t show them easily.

I don’t like to be vulnerable or to open up. I can do it pretty easily, hidden by a screen but never face to face.

Still, texts, confessions are filled with lies and hidden truths.

I never learnt how to feel without feeling guilty for it, so instead I learnt to internalise it.

I used to give a lot of advice when I was younger. If someone asks now, I’ll give it but it’ll be less personal and more clinical.

I can give good advice because it’s usually something I can relate to.

My little sister is 17. She dropped out of college, asked me for a job.

I work at some sh-tty takeaway that underpays me but the managers love me.

It was easy getting her a trial run, just asked.

I dropped out twice, at 16 and 17.

I want to tell her that she’ll regret it if she takes my path. I know we’re different people, I know that.

Maybe she won’t regret it, maybe she’ll love it. I still want to warn her. Still want to protect her.

It’s natural, I think. I’m her big brother and I don’t want her to turn out like me. Sure, it’s only a two year difference but it’s always felt so much bigger.

I parent my siblings a little bit I suppose, even my older sister.

So yeah. I’m concerned and I want to warn her but I don’t want to at the same time. What if I’m wrong?

I’m sick too, which isn’t helping, like at all. I think it’s due to the change of temperature, or the lack of sleep or the anxiousness that seems to be stronger lately.

I don’t know why but a feeling of dread has settled in my stomach and I have no clue when it got there.

I kinda wanna just cry it all out. My body hasn’t let me cry in months though.

For now I’m just gonna hope it’s the lack of sleep and hope I can sleep for an appropriate 8 hours.

Night